so i'm ready for a baby. not like tomorrow, i just mean, sometime. when it happens, i will be VERY excited. we're not trying...we are still very much trying to NOT have a baby... i'm just saying that when we have a baby, we are both emotionally ready.

we've picked out names. we've discussed moving furniture around to accommodate. we've even already discussed decorations. we practice keeping each other awake at night... scott likes to cough for hours at a time making sure i am fully awake before stopping. i tend to take the more suttle approach... pulling his pillow out from under his head to make him stop snoring. both very successful in keeping sleep to a minimum.

sure i'm nervous about feedings and discipline and potty training. and what if we feed our kids the wrong food and because of it they end up stupid or an underachiever. but dude... mr "wonderful" likes to pick his nose and he's an "adult". how much hope is there really for our children?

oh my gosh and know what i can't wait for. i can't wait for the day that our son or daughter can beat him in a game of HORSE. seriously. scott is a no mercy player at all things. eating, he doesn't back down... he'll eat more then you on principal. wii games... whether you're new to the game or 5 years old, he isn't losing gracefully. the boy is competitive. so when our child can beat him at HORSE, it will be a big day in our home.

however i read something today that i had never thought about.

when a baby is... well a baby... it's easy to wait for them. it's understandable you can't force a child to learn to crawl, to learn to walk, to learn to go potty in the appropriate places. it's all on their time frame. but waiting doesn't end when they are 3... or 4... or 14... or 24. forever you must wait for your child to be ready and then support them when they need it. you don't get to pick how well your children learn. you don't get to pick their friends. you don't get to pick their college. you just have to direct them and hope they follow the path you've set out. and what about the times there is not path? the times they have to look at all the choices and just take a leap of faith. do parents really hold their breaths from the day their babies are born until the day they inevitably die? (the parents, not the baby because i refuse to think i will out live my unborn children.)

makes me think about my parents. my mom and dad paved roads for me all throughout my life. a few times i've actually followed the road, but mostly, i've made my own. more often then not i knew what they wanted, but i didn't follow. i didn't listen. they never would have "picked" the life i've lived for their child. i know they love me. they have always supported me, even if sometimes i know they had their eyes closed. how hard that must be for them knowing everyday that there is nothing they can do to make me do things. how hard that is for me to think that i have let them down.

and on the same note... how proud of myself am i that i made it out the other side. from ages 12-16 my parents probably wanted a due over. they were probably ready to give me away. but they stuck it out. then again from 22-27 i am sure they weren't overly proud of excited. but they loved me. i can honestly say that i have never wondered if they love me. there were days i wasn't sure if they ever wanted to speak to me again, or maybe that i knew i had hurt them so badly that they SHOULDN'T want to speak to me again, but i always knew my parents loved me. my dad and i used to scream at each other. (we are too much alike in so many ways... it's not our fault.) but even as my scrawny 13 year old body heaved out how much i hated him, i know he never believed me.

so yea, that's my big i want a baby... i think... post.

oh and can i just tell you how excited i am to see scott hold a tiny itty bitty baby in his arms. not jsut A baby... OUR baby. that man is going to be the best daddy ever. i can't wait for the day i get to watch his eyes when he becomes a daddy. i think his heart may explode because that man is so full of love and compasion.

i guess that's why i love him so much.

i don't iron.

last night we had to iron some work shirts for the mr.

we were on opposite sides of the ironing board making our best attempt at ironing and out of no where he reached across, grabbed my face, and kissed me.

then he smiled a huge giant smile.

i don't mind ironing so much anymore.

last night we went to see couples retreat. (funny movie) before the movie started we were sitting in the theater watching the previews and i started to smile. not because it was a funny preview or anything. not because my popcorn was super tasty... even though it was. just because i was happy.

really happy.

we spent the entire weekend trying to find the fine line between super uper laziness and somewhat productive. with days off of work to burn, mr wonderful... ahhh he is pretty wonderful... and i had friday, saturday, sunday, and still tomorrow (monday) to spend together. i'm on fall break from school so although i have projects up the you know what to finish, for the most part... it was just the two of us hanging out.

friday is rained and it rained hard, all day. yuck. we went out to lunch and go some stuff done but then we came home and spent the day laying around cuddling and watching tv and playing on the computer. it was so relaxing. saturday we got up and got tons of stuff done outside. we pulled out three giant bushes in our backyard (i'll have to get a picture, it looks so bare) and then we made 5 trips to the "recycling center" - it's basically a dumping ground for leaves and sticks. we raked a little but most of our leaves haven't fallen yet. then we went to the movie. it was so nice. i love just doing normal things with him. then today we were lazy!!! we watched the packers and we laid around until like 3. it was so nice. although at one point he had to burst my little bubble in thinking that it would always be this way... nice lazy fall afternoons. he said something on the lines of "don't get used to this, when we have a kid, lazy afternoons are over!" having a baby with him is something i want, really bad and something he wants probably even more... but seriously. we may be too of the laziest human beings known to man. :) ok maybe not that lazy. So we got up and washed outside windows, mowed lawn, and vacuumed out the car.

see, sort of lazy, sort of productive. we like to spread out productivity out over time. :)

so yea, i'm happy. really really happy. even when i'm sad or upset about school or his family or money or whatever else seems to bother me, when it comes to him and i, i am always smiling.

i like smiling.

Donald Miller: Million Miles Tour

Donald Miller: Million Miles Tour

If I wasn't in school right now, I'd be reading this book. I have a week off school at the end of October and although I have 4 BIG projects that I need to work on during that time... maybe I'll try to get my hands on this book...

Here is Scott's nephew Cooper. He was over last Sunday helping with the gardening. It was a stressful day but this little dude didn't seem to notice. Gosh how good it would feel to be a kid again.

Here Scott and him are watering the front planter. I'm fairly certain Scott loves Cooper more then anyone else on this planet. (Including me.) :)
Ok so I am not a baker and in no way shape or form try to pretend to be one. However, Scott has won his football pool at work numerous times already and so they told him he has to bring in a treat. Well I took it upon myself to bake. Sure I could have got a kingle at the store or sent some donuts but nope... I did the "wifely" duty and baked for him.

Once i got started I remembered I don't own a rolling pin. So I used a vase instead. And at the last min I found a pumpkin cookie cutter that I forgot to use. That's how good of a baker I am.

I made there. They are supposed to look like pumpkins, mine just look like blobs of pumpkin pie filling. However... they are TASTY! I may or may not have sampled a few. I mean one. Yea I had one. ;)

I don't know how to flip this picture but this was the finished product. Yea, so they aren't SUPER cute or anything but dude, I don't bake, cut me some slack. It was actually REALLY fun and for some reason, I think I might make them again sometime. Gosh I'm an idiot for even thinking that.

Ok I guess I should get back to school work now. That was a fun distraction though! And a tasty one!

You can't change how others act. You can only change yourself.

How much faith can you put into those you love? How much hurt can you take for happiness?

My life hasn't always been roses and sunshine. But lately, it has been tulips and daisies. Lately things have been going right. Been going good actually. I've re bonded with my family, something I wasn't sure I would ever do. I've learned to not take them for granted and to remind them when I can, how much they mean to me. I've found love. In an unexpected place, but I found it. The love I've found is real and pure and it's the greatest feeling.

But I've also found hatred. I've also found that just because I'm happy, doesn't mean everyone is happy. That there are people that don't embrace my happiness or the love I feel.

Mr Wonderful's family isn't so wonderful. Wait, they are. I guess that's what hurts. They are good people. His sister who's dislike for me runs deep. His mother who's torn down the middle. His father who says little. They are good people. They have big hearts. But they don't care to share them with me. It's hard to stand. It's hard to sit at the table during dinner and be the only one not spoken to. To be at your "home" and be treated like you've never been there before. To not have an opinion on your own life. It's hard.

I love him. I love him with my whole heart. It I lost him, I wouldn't love again. I know that in my soul, he's my everything. I know that he wants to love me. That when we're just the two of us, he tells me a million times that he loves me. He kisses me so softly and he squeezes so tight a hundred times a day. When we're with my family, he interacts with them, he loves them and he's so comfortable around them. When we are out with friends we separate but are always catching each others eyes and smiling. Even across the room I can hear him, he loves me.

Then there is his family. When we are with them he shuts down. He closes up. He pushes me out. It's as if he's too scared to let them know. He doesn't stand up for me, for us. He doesn't stand up for himself. He just takes it. When they say mean things to me, he doesn't hear. When they exclude me, he doesn't notice. They treat him like the prince he is. They talk to him. Ask him questions. Show them they love and support him in everything he does, except me.

It's hard. They are such good people.

He makes me so happy most of the time.

They don't hurt me, he does.

When I am alone surrounded by his family, it hurts beyond words. I feel like someone crushed my insides. It's hard to breath. It's hard to stay up right. It's hard to feel anything but hurt and sadness.

Are a few days a year worth many days in a year of extreme love and happiness? Can't I have it all? How do I trust that things will change when he tells me they will? How do I forgive for the past and trust for the future? How much do I take before I give up? Will anything ever change? Can I be forever with a man who's family hates me?

I love you Mr Wonderful. I can't turn that off.