good morning.

i'm going to "go to work" in a few mins but i wanted to vent for a second. not a bad vent, a good vent, for some reason.

it's been a little over a year since i had the conversation with my ex-husband. it was the end of february that i started not sleeping with him on a regular basis. at the time i would "fall asleep" on the couch a little more often then previously just because i wasn't sure what else to do. we had, on MANY occasions screamed at each other that we didn't want to be together. we had done lots of yelling and on MANY MANY occasions "what the hell are we doing together" came up. but it was the first week in march that i remember the most vividly. i was sitting in the recliner and he was sitting on the couch. i wouldn't look at him but i told him i wasn't happy and that i thought we needed some space. i remember he was very calm and asked what i meant and we had our first "adult" conversation about separating. granted he fought it for many months after that but it was about a year ago that i finally made him see how i saw our relationship.

it feels good today to think that i made it. it was a hard road for a long time. there were days that i wasn't sure if i would ever be able to look at chris and not die for what i put him through. i don't have a ton of regrets when it comes to my marriage/divorce. i wish i hadn't said yes in the first place, or maybe so soon. i wish i would have let him out before we got married when he asked for it. but i don't regret the time i spent with him.

chris is a strong person. he doesn't think he is because he has such a big heart. sometimes he lets it bog him down. sometimes it's so big and it feels like it's going to burst and instead of just setting it down for awhile, he carries it with him. but he's going to be ok. i know he is. i hope someday we can be friends. not like, tolerate each other. talk because he's now a part of my family. but real friends.

on the flip side... i'm not sure if i've ever felt love so deep and so pure as i do with scott. it's so completely different then anything else i've ever felt. it's not, "i love your company. i love the things you love." it's i really love everything about him. sometimes it bugs me because i will just be sitting on the couch reading my book and it's like a sudden urge that i want to run over to him and hug him and never stop. things i hate to do, don't seem so bad when i do them for him. we had our first "fight" last week. we decided to label it a fight because we don't ever fight. i wanted to grill out burgers and he didn't want to get the grill out so i didn't talk for like 10 mins. i thought he was going to laugh out loud at me when he saw me pouting. it was petty and it was stupid but it was funny too. i know things won't always be perfect and i know we haven't even been dating a year so things are bound to crash from time to time but right now, i'm just really happy.

since i'm remembering back it was a year ago last thursday that scott and i had our first real conversation. i called him during a badger game to raz him up a little. it turned into a few digs through text messages and about a month or so later we started talking as friends. our relationship was so taboo considering i was going through a divorce we tried to keep it on the DL. however, it wasn't long before i realized i liked this guy and he liked me. i think it was the end of april or the beginning of may that we started spending time together and it was then that i realized it was ok to let myself go. he listened about chris a lot. he was always devils advocate. maybe i was the one that was wrong. maybe chris was right, i was being impossible. maybe i was running away when i needed to stay. scott had a lot on the line and he wasn't about to let me run from my marriage. he forced me to talk to chris. to go see him. he encouraged me to try to "date" chris again.

my life turned out this way for a reason. i'm ok with whatever that reason was. sure, i wish i didn't disappoint and hurt other people. i wish that i could make everyone happy all the time. but i can't. all i can do is try to make myself happy. and if i fail, i at least know i tried my hardest.

This is our Badger themed office after the move. (well we added the futon so that's all that's new but either way... Badger theme - and his mom is making a slip cover for the futon that's all Badgers and pillow cases)

In the office I get two pieces of my favorite team. This mouse pad...

And my favorite basketball that sits squished in the corner. (I got this basketball at Chapel Hill when I went to the UNC vs Duke game in 2003)

happy st patricks day.

it is 8:30 in the morning on March 17th in wisconsin and it's already 66 degrees outside. amazing. i took the garbage to the curb in shorts this morning. ok so maybe it's not shorts weather but it was so liberating being able to do it!

today i have to go "to work" - aka give plasma, do a load of laundry, mop the kitchen floor, and then i'm taking my book to lake michigan and i'm going to sit outside all afternoon! well because i have the attention span of a two year old i'll probably be there for an hour or two. one bad part of all this nice weather is that it's still march, it most likely won't last.

i know it's been forever since i've written but life isn't real exciting right now. i spend my days trying to get ready for school. i spent 2 hours on the phone one day trying to track down my immunization records from my old doctor. talk about a pain in the behinder. i wanted to cry about 15 mins in but i just kept calling the next number they gave me. i never did find my mmr or whatever those are called. i need that to get into the cna program which i need to get into the rn program. basically i'm just praying that the card my mom kept track of everything on will work.

i've been spending a lot of time trying to find money too. filling out scholarships, financial aid forms, and meeting with the county/state reps to try to over ride my fafsa. because i had a job until november last year and the fafsa goes off a tax year, they say i have enough money to pay for school. but i don't have a job now. i don't have money now. if they want to pay me what i was making last year, then yea, i'll pay for my own school. it's not like i won't pay it back, i'm just asking for a loan!

this weekend is going to be a nice break from the chaos that has consumed me. thursday thru sunday the only thing allowed on any tv in this house will be basketball. scott's friends are coming up (one all the way from memphis) to watch the ncaa tournament. i can't wait. this is like christmas for us. it's in fact, the way we became friends. it was this time last year that we started talking on a regular basis. it was over our love for basketball that we became friends. it wasn't for a month or two later that we realized there was so much more we enjoyed about each other.

my pick? well i had to pick north carolina to take it to the championship but i think head to head they will struggle there. it also depends on if lawson is back full strength. i hope he doesn't play the first game, one more game to rest might help him out. i don't think unc is unbeatable and i know there are haters out there that will throw out over-rated... don't think i don't hear that all the time. but they are my team. they are talented and they have depth and a number of players that can take over at a moments notice. i think they have all the tools to get it done, it's a matter of if it will all come together. they are my team and i'm sticking with them.

so yea, last weekend we spent all weekend rearranging the house. we moved beds, tvs, the futon, the living room furniture, we vacuumed and we dusted and we cleaned windows and we cleaned floors and after 7.5 hours of fixing the house up to accomidate the most possible guests, we went to taco bell and endulged in greasy, mexican fast food. and it was tasty!