good morning.

i'm going to "go to work" in a few mins but i wanted to vent for a second. not a bad vent, a good vent, for some reason.

it's been a little over a year since i had the conversation with my ex-husband. it was the end of february that i started not sleeping with him on a regular basis. at the time i would "fall asleep" on the couch a little more often then previously just because i wasn't sure what else to do. we had, on MANY occasions screamed at each other that we didn't want to be together. we had done lots of yelling and on MANY MANY occasions "what the hell are we doing together" came up. but it was the first week in march that i remember the most vividly. i was sitting in the recliner and he was sitting on the couch. i wouldn't look at him but i told him i wasn't happy and that i thought we needed some space. i remember he was very calm and asked what i meant and we had our first "adult" conversation about separating. granted he fought it for many months after that but it was about a year ago that i finally made him see how i saw our relationship.

it feels good today to think that i made it. it was a hard road for a long time. there were days that i wasn't sure if i would ever be able to look at chris and not die for what i put him through. i don't have a ton of regrets when it comes to my marriage/divorce. i wish i hadn't said yes in the first place, or maybe so soon. i wish i would have let him out before we got married when he asked for it. but i don't regret the time i spent with him.

chris is a strong person. he doesn't think he is because he has such a big heart. sometimes he lets it bog him down. sometimes it's so big and it feels like it's going to burst and instead of just setting it down for awhile, he carries it with him. but he's going to be ok. i know he is. i hope someday we can be friends. not like, tolerate each other. talk because he's now a part of my family. but real friends.

on the flip side... i'm not sure if i've ever felt love so deep and so pure as i do with scott. it's so completely different then anything else i've ever felt. it's not, "i love your company. i love the things you love." it's i really love everything about him. sometimes it bugs me because i will just be sitting on the couch reading my book and it's like a sudden urge that i want to run over to him and hug him and never stop. things i hate to do, don't seem so bad when i do them for him. we had our first "fight" last week. we decided to label it a fight because we don't ever fight. i wanted to grill out burgers and he didn't want to get the grill out so i didn't talk for like 10 mins. i thought he was going to laugh out loud at me when he saw me pouting. it was petty and it was stupid but it was funny too. i know things won't always be perfect and i know we haven't even been dating a year so things are bound to crash from time to time but right now, i'm just really happy.

since i'm remembering back it was a year ago last thursday that scott and i had our first real conversation. i called him during a badger game to raz him up a little. it turned into a few digs through text messages and about a month or so later we started talking as friends. our relationship was so taboo considering i was going through a divorce we tried to keep it on the DL. however, it wasn't long before i realized i liked this guy and he liked me. i think it was the end of april or the beginning of may that we started spending time together and it was then that i realized it was ok to let myself go. he listened about chris a lot. he was always devils advocate. maybe i was the one that was wrong. maybe chris was right, i was being impossible. maybe i was running away when i needed to stay. scott had a lot on the line and he wasn't about to let me run from my marriage. he forced me to talk to chris. to go see him. he encouraged me to try to "date" chris again.

my life turned out this way for a reason. i'm ok with whatever that reason was. sure, i wish i didn't disappoint and hurt other people. i wish that i could make everyone happy all the time. but i can't. all i can do is try to make myself happy. and if i fail, i at least know i tried my hardest.