On my mind today is...

Well you see on may 7th my 48 year old mom was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer. She had emergency surgery 24 hours later. She's recovering well and after a long recovery from complications of the epidermal and having her abdomen sliced open. Now is the hardest part. I know my mom is going to recover physically. I know she's got the strength to beat cancer. What scares the crap out of me... Is what she's going to be fighting on the inside for the rest of her life.

My mom is a do- er. She's on church council, the athletic booster club, she volunteers at almost every home sporting event, and I'm fairly sure everyone in my hometown has benefited from her big heart at one time or another. Now she's laid up and struggling with all the thoughts that run through her head. She's scared that every headache might be a brain tumor. Everytime she's got the sniffles, is the cancer in her blood? And then there is the relying on others. She can't bend over yet so things like cleaning the house are impossible. She can't drive so she needs to ask for a ride everywhere. She gets so tired just walking that she can't get groceries. I know all that will go away but it's killing her moral. She tries so hard to put on a show. She smiles and is optimistic but i can see the pain. The cancer won't kill her, but it is destroying her.

I hate that my mom is going through this. I hate that she had to have chemotherapy. I hate that she's dependent on others. I hate that I can't take her spot. I hate that I can't fix everything.

Oh, and I got the job... In oncology.

I sent the following in an email to a friend today...

I had a job interview today. For a Patient Care Assistant. (Pretty much a CNA, but in a hospital.) It was at Columbia- St Mary's in the Oncology department. As of right now, I hope to be an Oncology Nurse in the next two - three years. So basically I applied to this job just in case it's not what I want, at least I'll know now. And if I do, the experience would be absolutely amazing. Plus, Columbia- St Mary's is where I hope to work after graduation. The job is in Mequon, about a 35 mins drive south from here. If Scott and I ever leave Sheboygan we'd probably end up there so it's a pretty sweet deal. Plus, the drive isn't bad since I'd be working days and pm's and not nights anymore. I saw the job posted about a month or two ago and was like, what the heck, I don't NEED the job, so if I don't get it, no big deal. And if I do, sweet.

However, after leaving the interview this afternoon I realized... I REALLY want this job. It was the second and final interview. The "dude" told me he'd have HR check my references and he explained the orientation process and said he thinks I'd breeze through orientation in about 6-8 days instead of the normal 10-12 and that he could "feel my energy" which I hoped was a good thing. However, now I have to sit here and wait. I have to spend the next 24-48 hours telling myself it's ok if I don't get the job because after all, I didn't NEED it, remember? And there isn't anything else I can do but wait so why spend time worrying. And although it ended positive, it doesn't mean things will go my way. I may still not get the job after all.



Can I just tell you how much I am struggling to keep everything into prospective right now. I've wanted jobs before... heck I've NEEDED jobs before and I've never wanted one as bad as I want this. It isn't a "my life would be over if I don't get it" feeling... more of "I really can't believe the doors that would be opened if I do." There really isn't anything lost if I don't get it and I mean that 100%. But if I do... oh gosh. The experience alone is worth the drive. I should pay them for that! And then there's the foot in the door at an amazing hospital. And the contacts I'll make. And the money is better then I'm getting now. Then on top of it all... there's the whole first day of the rest of my life feeling.


Whoa... crazy. That my dear is what runs through my head!

After I sent it I sort of chuckled to myself.  Then I reread it and realized, I think it's good that I'm passionate about what I'm doing with my life right now.  I really mean it, if I don't get it, it's nothing really lost.  I enjoy my current job.  I want to be a nurse whether I get this job or not.  So really, I think it's good.  To show love and passion is good. 

*I still hope I get the job though of course!