i don't iron.

last night we had to iron some work shirts for the mr.

we were on opposite sides of the ironing board making our best attempt at ironing and out of no where he reached across, grabbed my face, and kissed me.

then he smiled a huge giant smile.

i don't mind ironing so much anymore.

last night we went to see couples retreat. (funny movie) before the movie started we were sitting in the theater watching the previews and i started to smile. not because it was a funny preview or anything. not because my popcorn was super tasty... even though it was. just because i was happy.

really happy.

we spent the entire weekend trying to find the fine line between super uper laziness and somewhat productive. with days off of work to burn, mr wonderful... ahhh he is pretty wonderful... and i had friday, saturday, sunday, and still tomorrow (monday) to spend together. i'm on fall break from school so although i have projects up the you know what to finish, for the most part... it was just the two of us hanging out.

friday is rained and it rained hard, all day. yuck. we went out to lunch and go some stuff done but then we came home and spent the day laying around cuddling and watching tv and playing on the computer. it was so relaxing. saturday we got up and got tons of stuff done outside. we pulled out three giant bushes in our backyard (i'll have to get a picture, it looks so bare) and then we made 5 trips to the "recycling center" - it's basically a dumping ground for leaves and sticks. we raked a little but most of our leaves haven't fallen yet. then we went to the movie. it was so nice. i love just doing normal things with him. then today we were lazy!!! we watched the packers and we laid around until like 3. it was so nice. although at one point he had to burst my little bubble in thinking that it would always be this way... nice lazy fall afternoons. he said something on the lines of "don't get used to this, when we have a kid, lazy afternoons are over!" having a baby with him is something i want, really bad and something he wants probably even more... but seriously. we may be too of the laziest human beings known to man. :) ok maybe not that lazy. So we got up and washed outside windows, mowed lawn, and vacuumed out the car.

see, sort of lazy, sort of productive. we like to spread out productivity out over time. :)

so yea, i'm happy. really really happy. even when i'm sad or upset about school or his family or money or whatever else seems to bother me, when it comes to him and i, i am always smiling.

i like smiling.

Donald Miller: Million Miles Tour

Donald Miller: Million Miles Tour

If I wasn't in school right now, I'd be reading this book. I have a week off school at the end of October and although I have 4 BIG projects that I need to work on during that time... maybe I'll try to get my hands on this book...

Here is Scott's nephew Cooper. He was over last Sunday helping with the gardening. It was a stressful day but this little dude didn't seem to notice. Gosh how good it would feel to be a kid again.

Here Scott and him are watering the front planter. I'm fairly certain Scott loves Cooper more then anyone else on this planet. (Including me.) :)
Ok so I am not a baker and in no way shape or form try to pretend to be one. However, Scott has won his football pool at work numerous times already and so they told him he has to bring in a treat. Well I took it upon myself to bake. Sure I could have got a kingle at the store or sent some donuts but nope... I did the "wifely" duty and baked for him.

Once i got started I remembered I don't own a rolling pin. So I used a vase instead. And at the last min I found a pumpkin cookie cutter that I forgot to use. That's how good of a baker I am.

I made there. They are supposed to look like pumpkins, mine just look like blobs of pumpkin pie filling. However... they are TASTY! I may or may not have sampled a few. I mean one. Yea I had one. ;)

I don't know how to flip this picture but this was the finished product. Yea, so they aren't SUPER cute or anything but dude, I don't bake, cut me some slack. It was actually REALLY fun and for some reason, I think I might make them again sometime. Gosh I'm an idiot for even thinking that.

Ok I guess I should get back to school work now. That was a fun distraction though! And a tasty one!

You can't change how others act. You can only change yourself.

How much faith can you put into those you love? How much hurt can you take for happiness?

My life hasn't always been roses and sunshine. But lately, it has been tulips and daisies. Lately things have been going right. Been going good actually. I've re bonded with my family, something I wasn't sure I would ever do. I've learned to not take them for granted and to remind them when I can, how much they mean to me. I've found love. In an unexpected place, but I found it. The love I've found is real and pure and it's the greatest feeling.

But I've also found hatred. I've also found that just because I'm happy, doesn't mean everyone is happy. That there are people that don't embrace my happiness or the love I feel.

Mr Wonderful's family isn't so wonderful. Wait, they are. I guess that's what hurts. They are good people. His sister who's dislike for me runs deep. His mother who's torn down the middle. His father who says little. They are good people. They have big hearts. But they don't care to share them with me. It's hard to stand. It's hard to sit at the table during dinner and be the only one not spoken to. To be at your "home" and be treated like you've never been there before. To not have an opinion on your own life. It's hard.

I love him. I love him with my whole heart. It I lost him, I wouldn't love again. I know that in my soul, he's my everything. I know that he wants to love me. That when we're just the two of us, he tells me a million times that he loves me. He kisses me so softly and he squeezes so tight a hundred times a day. When we're with my family, he interacts with them, he loves them and he's so comfortable around them. When we are out with friends we separate but are always catching each others eyes and smiling. Even across the room I can hear him, he loves me.

Then there is his family. When we are with them he shuts down. He closes up. He pushes me out. It's as if he's too scared to let them know. He doesn't stand up for me, for us. He doesn't stand up for himself. He just takes it. When they say mean things to me, he doesn't hear. When they exclude me, he doesn't notice. They treat him like the prince he is. They talk to him. Ask him questions. Show them they love and support him in everything he does, except me.

It's hard. They are such good people.

He makes me so happy most of the time.

They don't hurt me, he does.

When I am alone surrounded by his family, it hurts beyond words. I feel like someone crushed my insides. It's hard to breath. It's hard to stay up right. It's hard to feel anything but hurt and sadness.

Are a few days a year worth many days in a year of extreme love and happiness? Can't I have it all? How do I trust that things will change when he tells me they will? How do I forgive for the past and trust for the future? How much do I take before I give up? Will anything ever change? Can I be forever with a man who's family hates me?

I love you Mr Wonderful. I can't turn that off.

i have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something isn't right.

i feel like i'm being burnt from the inside out.

i wonder how long i can stand it before it's out of control.

it was a long weekend.

i hope to put it all behind me.

i hope that when the dust settles, we're still standing.

i know the only thing i've never doubted is my love for him

i think he feels the same way.

i hope i'm right.