so i'm ready for a baby. not like tomorrow, i just mean, sometime. when it happens, i will be VERY excited. we're not trying...we are still very much trying to NOT have a baby... i'm just saying that when we have a baby, we are both emotionally ready.

we've picked out names. we've discussed moving furniture around to accommodate. we've even already discussed decorations. we practice keeping each other awake at night... scott likes to cough for hours at a time making sure i am fully awake before stopping. i tend to take the more suttle approach... pulling his pillow out from under his head to make him stop snoring. both very successful in keeping sleep to a minimum.

sure i'm nervous about feedings and discipline and potty training. and what if we feed our kids the wrong food and because of it they end up stupid or an underachiever. but dude... mr "wonderful" likes to pick his nose and he's an "adult". how much hope is there really for our children?

oh my gosh and know what i can't wait for. i can't wait for the day that our son or daughter can beat him in a game of HORSE. seriously. scott is a no mercy player at all things. eating, he doesn't back down... he'll eat more then you on principal. wii games... whether you're new to the game or 5 years old, he isn't losing gracefully. the boy is competitive. so when our child can beat him at HORSE, it will be a big day in our home.

however i read something today that i had never thought about.

when a baby is... well a baby... it's easy to wait for them. it's understandable you can't force a child to learn to crawl, to learn to walk, to learn to go potty in the appropriate places. it's all on their time frame. but waiting doesn't end when they are 3... or 4... or 14... or 24. forever you must wait for your child to be ready and then support them when they need it. you don't get to pick how well your children learn. you don't get to pick their friends. you don't get to pick their college. you just have to direct them and hope they follow the path you've set out. and what about the times there is not path? the times they have to look at all the choices and just take a leap of faith. do parents really hold their breaths from the day their babies are born until the day they inevitably die? (the parents, not the baby because i refuse to think i will out live my unborn children.)

makes me think about my parents. my mom and dad paved roads for me all throughout my life. a few times i've actually followed the road, but mostly, i've made my own. more often then not i knew what they wanted, but i didn't follow. i didn't listen. they never would have "picked" the life i've lived for their child. i know they love me. they have always supported me, even if sometimes i know they had their eyes closed. how hard that must be for them knowing everyday that there is nothing they can do to make me do things. how hard that is for me to think that i have let them down.

and on the same note... how proud of myself am i that i made it out the other side. from ages 12-16 my parents probably wanted a due over. they were probably ready to give me away. but they stuck it out. then again from 22-27 i am sure they weren't overly proud of excited. but they loved me. i can honestly say that i have never wondered if they love me. there were days i wasn't sure if they ever wanted to speak to me again, or maybe that i knew i had hurt them so badly that they SHOULDN'T want to speak to me again, but i always knew my parents loved me. my dad and i used to scream at each other. (we are too much alike in so many ways... it's not our fault.) but even as my scrawny 13 year old body heaved out how much i hated him, i know he never believed me.

so yea, that's my big i want a baby... i think... post.

oh and can i just tell you how excited i am to see scott hold a tiny itty bitty baby in his arms. not jsut A baby... OUR baby. that man is going to be the best daddy ever. i can't wait for the day i get to watch his eyes when he becomes a daddy. i think his heart may explode because that man is so full of love and compasion.

i guess that's why i love him so much.