my family

so there are times i feel like i am closer to my sisters they anyone else in the world.

there are times i feel like i barely know them.

i'm the middle child. classic middle child syndrome probably but i am often the outsider. i bring it on myself. my older sister says i'm "selfish". my younger sister thinks i'm a drunk who makes poor decisions. they are both right. and because of that i save them all the hassle and try to stay away.

i've given my family a bad name more then once. i drink a lot. i smoke occasionally. i knew mary jane when i was younger. i tried to kill myself on more then one occasion. i've been in the back of a squad car. i lived with a boy after only knowing him 3 or 4 months. just when they got hope i would be normal, i got married but then i got divorced.
my older sister got pregnant at a young age, still in high school but then she married poppa M and they had two more kids together and now drive a minivan and are living happily ever after two blocks up the road from our parents. her kids are probably the cutest kids i've ever seen and super funny and cute. her husband is attractive and successful and super dad.




my little sister was the star athlete. great grades, never in trouble, and spent her free time with my parents. she lived at home to go to college and she moved in with a boy my parents loved and is having the perfect wedding with plans of children shortly after the honeymoon.


then there's me. i move around a lot. not sure where life will take me next and always welcoming the unknown. i switch jobs more often then most just because i live variety. i like new challenges and i have the attention span of a two year old. my weight fluctuates and i'm ok with that. i still make selfish drunk decisions. i don't see my family every weekend or call home once a week. i go home to see them and i miss my parents when i'm away but i don't dwell on it. i often break plans or forget i made them all together. i don't always put family first and my friends mean more to me then they probably should. (This is me, notice the two beers, with Mr Perfect Fiance)
so my perfect little sister is getting married. i couldn't be happier. like everyone else who's ever met him, i love Mr. Perfect Fiance. he's exactly what she deserves and they are going to make some adorable children. much to my surprise i get to be the maid of honor. i was so excited i decided she deserves to go out of singlehood in style... vegas style. so i called a travel agent and ta da! we're taking a vay-kay! i thought i was doing the right thing until older sister tells me again i'm being selfish that i've made bad choices and i should have included her in on the planning. i should have let her call the travel agent or what? that's the extent to my planning. so now perfect little sister and wonderful mother of the year older sister are once again closing the gap on letting me in their lives. again i messed up.

i sent my mom this email today to reflect.




I really don't understand the Vegas thing. I called a travel agent and put it on your credit card. There were no decisions made. I've emailed everyone the same information every time so no one knows more then anyone else. I really don't get it. All I know is she better not ruin things for "little sister". I'm pretty tough skinned and lately it seems like I can take a lot more then ever, this just seems like a weird spot to be in. I've always sort of danced on the edge of the "family" stuff but lately it seems like you are definitely the one keeping me as close as I can get. If that makes any sense. I am hoping that "big sister" just gets over whatever is bugging her and that when "little sister" and "perfect fiance" get moved that things will be better with her and I. I fully understand and accept we'll probably never be as close as we once were but I just want to be able to know if I really, really needed her, she'd be there without judgment. Right now, I know that's not going to happen. Someday maybe though. Mom, I always feel bad you have to listen to the three of us whining about each other. It's just girls being girls I think. I wish it was different but I really don't think there is anything you can do. Mom can't fix everything, as much as we all wish you could. :) Anyway, I'm sure whenever we all start talking again I'll do something else to piss them off and the vicious cycle will start over again. It's what I do just by being me. Sometimes I can see it coming but other times (Like this Vegas thing) I have the best of intentions at heart.

And so once again everything is left for mom to sort out. Mom had emailed me early today to say that big sister emailed her and said i was being mean. ok not exactly but pretty much.

"She's looking at me"
"Am not!"
"Stop pulling my hair"
"I didn't"


We're girls, we fight.

But at the end of the day...

this is my family and i love them ALL very, very much. This also happens to be the first family picture in about 5 years without my ex in it. Weird, but a good weird.

*All these pictures were taken at the family reunion at the Brewer game... I love sports so it was a perfect day for me and R. Braun hit a homer and he's my favorite so it was a good day.

Doing what feels right...

i've made lots of mistakes over time.
lots.
but i don't like to call them regrets.
regrets are something you wouldn't do again.
mistakes happen and given the chance to do it all over again, you'd probably make them again.
i don't regret for one second getting married to chris.
sure we had problems from the get go. we were VERY different. came from different families. enjoyed different things. saw the future and even the past in very different light.
but we enjoyed each others company more then we didn't. which at the time, seemed like enough.
since my single friends ask me for advice if they should get married. if i ever will again. if i regret it.
all i can say is right now, i am very happy. i have learned a lot from my short marriage.
i learned that people who can be the closest friends, can't always be husband and wife.
i learned that compromise is important, but not always a good idea.
i learned it's easy to lose yourself in routine and difficult to find yourself again.
i learned that loving someone is different than being in love with them.
i learned that sometimes it takes a stronger person to shut up then yell.
i learned you can't force someone to change, they have to want to.
i learned people can change, some for the better, some for the worse.
i learned it's ok to give up a dream for someone else, as long as they didn't make you give it up.
i learned a marriage doesn't mean ALWAYS being together, but it does mean making time for one another.
i learned your friends aren't automatically his and vice versa and that's ok.
i learned fights over money aren't deal breakers, just eye openers.
i learned most of all that if you can't make yourself happy, then you can't expect someone else to make you happy.

I spent a lot of the last 4 years (we were married for 2) trying to do whatever it took to make Chris happy. He spent that same time trying to make me happy. In doing so, neither of us were truly happy. I know this is a lot harder on Chris then me. Probably because I'm tough and have been through way more in life then he has. He's not a bad person by any means. I don't agree with a lot of what he does. I never felt like I fit into his family or agreed with what they said or did. I feel that Chris couldn't be alone, even when we were together. He didn't respect that I needed to be. I lost who I was and gave up things I always wanted because I knew it wasn't in his plans. But again, I don't regret that. I embrace that and will use all that to learn and move on.

I am dating someone. Is it too soon? I guess probably. I didn't plan on falling for him but I did. i tried to fight it, we kept it simple and platonic for a long time. But it happened. He has the same interests, yet we're still different so I don't feel like I'm giving anything up to be with him. We are struggling outside our relationship... trying to make sure our families know we didn't want this to happen this way. We understand it's weird and we understand that I am still going through a lot. We talk more then I've ever talked to another human before in my life. He's the best listener and he tells me how it is, even if I might not want to hear it. I've lost a good friend because of it, his sister. She is so hurt that I am dating her brother that she chooses to not talk to me at all. And when she does she's hurtful. I hate that but I can't pretend that what I'm feeling isn't real. It is real. It's the most real thing I've felt in a long time. My marriage crumbled slowly. It's like a tire with a small leak. It didn't just end one day. So I had time to accept the leak and although I tried to patch it time and time again, I knew I couldn't prevent it from going flat at some point. Others on the outside haven't had that time. They need time to process what happened and accept it. I understand that. I'm trying to give her that time and it's hard. The part that's the weirdest is I'm not mad at her. I don't blame her for saying she wishes I was dead or that she's thought about just punching me and beating me up. I can't be angry with her because she doesn't know what's inside him or I. She doesn't know how we make each other feel or how much we enjoy being together, in each others company, doing nothing special or doing new things together. She doesn't know how much we've learned from one another or how much we both want a future together.

Future. What a scary word.
I don't think I'm going to ever remarry.
Ever.
Yes, He knows this.
I want children.
I want a snotty nosed brat that calls me mama.
I want to teach them to do ballet or basketball, whichever they choose.
But I don't want another husband.
I want a mommy, a daddy, and a baby.
He is ok with that.
He wants that, too.
So yes, it's hard and it's weird and its' too soon.
We know this and we understand people don't like it.
But we also have both been through a lot in the past and are done WORKING at relationships.
It's time to let them happen to us.
And that's exactly what's happening.
Loving him is easy.
Do I love him?



I think I might.

a new home

i moved.
into a little apartment that looks like a hospital room.
lots of white walls.
lots of empty noises.
it will become home over time.
i hope.

sleeping there last night made me smile.
i wasn't sad to be alone.
i wasn't sad how my life's turned out.
i was smiling because i did something for me.
something that was right.

being alone in an empty hospital room like apartment made me happy.
i plan on going out with friends tonight.
birthday girl melissa
happy girl jessica
it'll be a good night out

New Jessica

i'm not the same person i was 4 months ago when i last wrote.
i've left my husband.
not for another man, but for myself. i was lost and i needed someone to come find me. i was the only one that could do the job. so i did it.
may 14th i filed for divorce. chris wasn't happy.
he knew it was coming, i moved out mid april.
we were fighting. a lot. we always fought a lot. why did i do it now then?
i don't know.
one day i woke up and said all the things in my life that make me happy,
aren't him.
i needed more room for things to make me happy.

i need a place to live.
i live with the greatest friends ever and they are amazing and wonderful and they rock.
but they are getting married.
they have a daughter.
they don't need two.
so i need a place to live.

i'm giving up savanah in the divorce.
that's probably harder then giving up chris.
well i know it is.
she's the most beautiful wonderful dog ever and i want to eat her up everytime i see her.
but she has a big house and big yard and she's close to her cousins.
so she's going to stay put.
i'm going to do the moving.

i gained something in the divorce.
a new best friend.
someone who just gets me.
doesn't force me to talk because he already knows.
someone who trusts me and understands.
doesn't push or pull or poke.
he just is.
we laugh, a lot. more then i thought possible.
watch a lot of sports together too which i forgot how much i missed.
we sleep a lot.
we eat a lot.
we like each other.
i don't think i'm supposed to like my best friend like i like him though.
i don't think i'm supposed to like anyone like i like him.
i'm getting divorce.
i think life ends at that point.
so i'm trying to pretend it's not happening.
trying to just pretend like i'm not happy with him.
but between you and me,
i am happy.

this is the new jessica.
one that's happy.