Doing what feels right...

i've made lots of mistakes over time.
lots.
but i don't like to call them regrets.
regrets are something you wouldn't do again.
mistakes happen and given the chance to do it all over again, you'd probably make them again.
i don't regret for one second getting married to chris.
sure we had problems from the get go. we were VERY different. came from different families. enjoyed different things. saw the future and even the past in very different light.
but we enjoyed each others company more then we didn't. which at the time, seemed like enough.
since my single friends ask me for advice if they should get married. if i ever will again. if i regret it.
all i can say is right now, i am very happy. i have learned a lot from my short marriage.
i learned that people who can be the closest friends, can't always be husband and wife.
i learned that compromise is important, but not always a good idea.
i learned it's easy to lose yourself in routine and difficult to find yourself again.
i learned that loving someone is different than being in love with them.
i learned that sometimes it takes a stronger person to shut up then yell.
i learned you can't force someone to change, they have to want to.
i learned people can change, some for the better, some for the worse.
i learned it's ok to give up a dream for someone else, as long as they didn't make you give it up.
i learned a marriage doesn't mean ALWAYS being together, but it does mean making time for one another.
i learned your friends aren't automatically his and vice versa and that's ok.
i learned fights over money aren't deal breakers, just eye openers.
i learned most of all that if you can't make yourself happy, then you can't expect someone else to make you happy.

I spent a lot of the last 4 years (we were married for 2) trying to do whatever it took to make Chris happy. He spent that same time trying to make me happy. In doing so, neither of us were truly happy. I know this is a lot harder on Chris then me. Probably because I'm tough and have been through way more in life then he has. He's not a bad person by any means. I don't agree with a lot of what he does. I never felt like I fit into his family or agreed with what they said or did. I feel that Chris couldn't be alone, even when we were together. He didn't respect that I needed to be. I lost who I was and gave up things I always wanted because I knew it wasn't in his plans. But again, I don't regret that. I embrace that and will use all that to learn and move on.

I am dating someone. Is it too soon? I guess probably. I didn't plan on falling for him but I did. i tried to fight it, we kept it simple and platonic for a long time. But it happened. He has the same interests, yet we're still different so I don't feel like I'm giving anything up to be with him. We are struggling outside our relationship... trying to make sure our families know we didn't want this to happen this way. We understand it's weird and we understand that I am still going through a lot. We talk more then I've ever talked to another human before in my life. He's the best listener and he tells me how it is, even if I might not want to hear it. I've lost a good friend because of it, his sister. She is so hurt that I am dating her brother that she chooses to not talk to me at all. And when she does she's hurtful. I hate that but I can't pretend that what I'm feeling isn't real. It is real. It's the most real thing I've felt in a long time. My marriage crumbled slowly. It's like a tire with a small leak. It didn't just end one day. So I had time to accept the leak and although I tried to patch it time and time again, I knew I couldn't prevent it from going flat at some point. Others on the outside haven't had that time. They need time to process what happened and accept it. I understand that. I'm trying to give her that time and it's hard. The part that's the weirdest is I'm not mad at her. I don't blame her for saying she wishes I was dead or that she's thought about just punching me and beating me up. I can't be angry with her because she doesn't know what's inside him or I. She doesn't know how we make each other feel or how much we enjoy being together, in each others company, doing nothing special or doing new things together. She doesn't know how much we've learned from one another or how much we both want a future together.

Future. What a scary word.
I don't think I'm going to ever remarry.
Ever.
Yes, He knows this.
I want children.
I want a snotty nosed brat that calls me mama.
I want to teach them to do ballet or basketball, whichever they choose.
But I don't want another husband.
I want a mommy, a daddy, and a baby.
He is ok with that.
He wants that, too.
So yes, it's hard and it's weird and its' too soon.
We know this and we understand people don't like it.
But we also have both been through a lot in the past and are done WORKING at relationships.
It's time to let them happen to us.
And that's exactly what's happening.
Loving him is easy.
Do I love him?



I think I might.