i'm sitting here trying to be distracted. today is the day scott is going to the farm deal with his family that i was NOT invited to.

i've cried over it, a lot, in the last two days. do you know what it feels like to be HATED by people you just want to accept you? probably not. most adults tolerate people. they encourage loved ones to be happy. not the case with scott's sister. hate might not even begin to describe how she really feels about me.

anyway, scott left at 7 this morning. got there around 8:30ish. found out they weren't going to the function until 10:30. awesome. sort of sucks for me because he's never home when i am, so it would have been fun to have breakfast together and have him see me off to school. i was done with school by 9:15 this morning. had he waited for me, we could have been there in plenty of time.

instead because i didn't want to sit home and cry all day, i decided to take my final a day early. however, as soon as i sat down with the 50 questions in front of me, all i could picture was his mom taking pictures of him and his sister. him laughing and having the time of his life. him realizing what he's missing by having me in his life. all i could do was cry. i stumbled through it and if I got a C, I'll be amazed. There goes the A I had in the class. I'm very confident I didn't ace the class.

so i cried all the way home. i cried for an hour just sitting here staring at the wall. i realized it's not just not being invited to this stupid thing. it's the very real fear of losing someone i love because of things that are completely out of my control. it's pent up anger and hurt from the last year and a half. it's wondering how to move forward and if i have the strength to do it.

to distract myself i cleaned. i moved furniture, i vacuumed, i dusted, i mopped floors, i wiped down the bathroom, i did dishes, i did laundry. i cleaned and i HATE cleaning. it helped for like an hour or two. now it's 3pm and i'm waiting. i'm waiting for him to call to say he won't be coming home, ever. to say he's staying there to eat with his family. i'm waiting for him to say he doesn't love me.

i spend 10 hours a day alone almost everyday. days i have school it's only 7 hours. i'm sick of being alone. i'm sick of feeling alone.

i'm such a baby and i can't figure out how to change it.

i'm so sick of this still being an issue. i'm trying so hard to not complain and i'm trying so hard to stay strong about this. scott's family is going to a function tomorrow all day. it was made VERY clear that i was not invited. it's something scott's wanted to go to for a long time. he tried to work it out around my school so that i could go with. however, again, it was made clear that i wasn't welcomed to join the family.

i can't even begin to discribe how bad it hurts. i understand his mom is trying to do what her daughter wants. that she's standing up for her. but no one stands up for me. it's the most lonely feeling ever. i never imagined i could love someone so much that i'm willing to put myself through this over and over again. it's 7:30 in the morning and i sit here crying over his family.

how can we be forever if this is constantly looming over us? how long can i stand to be on the outside of everything they do? i know scott and his sister will be like best buds. i'll be completely forgotten. there will be pictures of them together and laughing and they'll have such a good time and he deserves that. he deserves to go and be with his family. it's not right that i make him choose. i get that. but how long can i stand being on the outside looking in. i hate to see the pictures, but believe me, they'll show me. it's like i'm the reason. it's all my fault. i'm the selfish one who's making this happen. but i'm not. i just want them to stand me. they don't even have to like me, but just stand me.

i have school in a few mins and i need to stop crying. i really do.

ugh. it's really hard to keep moving forward when i feel like i'm so alone. what is all this really for?

4th of July we had a wedding! It was a BLAST. Scott's cousin got married. It was BEAUTIFUL. It was outside right on the edge of a lake and the weather was wonderful and everyone looked so happy and in love. It was awesome. The reception was great. Good food, good music, and lots of beer.

Here's Mike and I tearing up the dance floor. (Mike is Scott's sister, Sarah's fiance)
For some reason our table was full of empty beer bottles. I just don't get it. Here's Scott, he was very proud of our "accomplishment".

Here's his sister Sarah and I dancing. Not sure why I look like a duck but I'm pretty sure this was all Michael Jackson folks!

I even danced to Beat It! with his dad!!!

I realized as I was uploading this is the only picture I got of the two of us. Darn. He was looking good though, that's for sure. I love this man. I think we may even have one of these of our own someday. A wedding I mean. It won't be a wedding like this... but we'll have one our own way.

I think.

Maybe.

It's possible.

His other sister still hates me. She didn't sit at the same table as us at dinner. She didn't talk to either of us. She kept her son away from us. She hates me. It sucks. It really does. I know she doesn't like Scott and I together. She felt I persuade him. She felt that I was going to break his heart. She felt that I used her to get to him. All of this is so far from the truth but after a year and a half, I can't defend myself anymore. She doesn't, and won't ever, understand that Scott and I didn't want to fall in love. We didn't want things to turn out the way they did. We hoped that by being friends we would be able to have each other in our lives and find happiness and just enjoy each other. But we did fall in love. I can't imagine where I'd be without him. I hate the wedge this has put between his family. Between him and I at times. Between his sister and her husband, who is/was friends with both Scott and I. Between our mutual friends. I hate it. I understand now that she's never going to forgive me for whatever it is she thinks I did wrong. There is probably more. There is probably something huge. But I promise you I don't understand it and I can't ever fix it because we haven't talked in over a year. Not more then maybe 5 words total. Yea. I just hope that someday she can be mad at me, and not let it affect everyone else. That she can sit at the table and eat dinner with us. That she can allow Scott and I to be a part of her sons life.

Will see come to our wedding? Will she see our children? Will her son be allowed to see our play with our children? Will her husband ever be allowed to be our friend again?

I wonder. Everyday. I wish I knew.

I just ran across this quote and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it...so I thought I'd share it with you!

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget." - Arundhati Roy