i'm sitting here trying to be distracted. today is the day scott is going to the farm deal with his family that i was NOT invited to.

i've cried over it, a lot, in the last two days. do you know what it feels like to be HATED by people you just want to accept you? probably not. most adults tolerate people. they encourage loved ones to be happy. not the case with scott's sister. hate might not even begin to describe how she really feels about me.

anyway, scott left at 7 this morning. got there around 8:30ish. found out they weren't going to the function until 10:30. awesome. sort of sucks for me because he's never home when i am, so it would have been fun to have breakfast together and have him see me off to school. i was done with school by 9:15 this morning. had he waited for me, we could have been there in plenty of time.

instead because i didn't want to sit home and cry all day, i decided to take my final a day early. however, as soon as i sat down with the 50 questions in front of me, all i could picture was his mom taking pictures of him and his sister. him laughing and having the time of his life. him realizing what he's missing by having me in his life. all i could do was cry. i stumbled through it and if I got a C, I'll be amazed. There goes the A I had in the class. I'm very confident I didn't ace the class.

so i cried all the way home. i cried for an hour just sitting here staring at the wall. i realized it's not just not being invited to this stupid thing. it's the very real fear of losing someone i love because of things that are completely out of my control. it's pent up anger and hurt from the last year and a half. it's wondering how to move forward and if i have the strength to do it.

to distract myself i cleaned. i moved furniture, i vacuumed, i dusted, i mopped floors, i wiped down the bathroom, i did dishes, i did laundry. i cleaned and i HATE cleaning. it helped for like an hour or two. now it's 3pm and i'm waiting. i'm waiting for him to call to say he won't be coming home, ever. to say he's staying there to eat with his family. i'm waiting for him to say he doesn't love me.

i spend 10 hours a day alone almost everyday. days i have school it's only 7 hours. i'm sick of being alone. i'm sick of feeling alone.

i'm such a baby and i can't figure out how to change it.