a new home

i moved.
into a little apartment that looks like a hospital room.
lots of white walls.
lots of empty noises.
it will become home over time.
i hope.

sleeping there last night made me smile.
i wasn't sad to be alone.
i wasn't sad how my life's turned out.
i was smiling because i did something for me.
something that was right.

being alone in an empty hospital room like apartment made me happy.
i plan on going out with friends tonight.
birthday girl melissa
happy girl jessica
it'll be a good night out

New Jessica

i'm not the same person i was 4 months ago when i last wrote.
i've left my husband.
not for another man, but for myself. i was lost and i needed someone to come find me. i was the only one that could do the job. so i did it.
may 14th i filed for divorce. chris wasn't happy.
he knew it was coming, i moved out mid april.
we were fighting. a lot. we always fought a lot. why did i do it now then?
i don't know.
one day i woke up and said all the things in my life that make me happy,
aren't him.
i needed more room for things to make me happy.

i need a place to live.
i live with the greatest friends ever and they are amazing and wonderful and they rock.
but they are getting married.
they have a daughter.
they don't need two.
so i need a place to live.

i'm giving up savanah in the divorce.
that's probably harder then giving up chris.
well i know it is.
she's the most beautiful wonderful dog ever and i want to eat her up everytime i see her.
but she has a big house and big yard and she's close to her cousins.
so she's going to stay put.
i'm going to do the moving.

i gained something in the divorce.
a new best friend.
someone who just gets me.
doesn't force me to talk because he already knows.
someone who trusts me and understands.
doesn't push or pull or poke.
he just is.
we laugh, a lot. more then i thought possible.
watch a lot of sports together too which i forgot how much i missed.
we sleep a lot.
we eat a lot.
we like each other.
i don't think i'm supposed to like my best friend like i like him though.
i don't think i'm supposed to like anyone like i like him.
i'm getting divorce.
i think life ends at that point.
so i'm trying to pretend it's not happening.
trying to just pretend like i'm not happy with him.
but between you and me,
i am happy.

this is the new jessica.
one that's happy.

ah... march madness

the last week of my life has been quite literally consumed by basketball. i'm enjoying every second of it to! my beloved Tarheels are still in the running for a National Championship... repeat!

The Badgers, my second fav team are still playing.

AHHHH life is good!

Little kids in my life...

So recently I've gotten this uncontrollable urge to have a baby. It just seems like a good idea for soem reason. Look at the kids in my life... no wonder I want one!

This is Savanah and my neice, Gracie, having a snack together. Gracie is almost 2 and enjoying an oreo cakster... this was before I gave her Pringles, diet Mt. Dew, and a cookie. Gosh her mother must love me.

Tanne is in love with my dog... no really he makes out with her. He got to spend the night and just thought it was the coolest thing in the world he got to sleep with savanah. Little does he know, that's because he's covered up with her favorite blanket. I might have planned it that way.

This is probably the best picture I've got of Tanner awake, with the dog. Usually they are wrestling or chasing each other. Savanah is getting good at making Tanner leave her alone though . She'll play for awhile and then she plays dead, he gets bored easily.

Christmas

This was Savanah's xmas gift from Grandma and Grandpa... a blankie with her name on it. She loves to sleep on blankets and she also enjoys being covered up so this was perfect. She loves it.

For Christmas Alex (with my help) made No-Sew blankets for everyone. Here is Joey and Jamie's... (She's trying to hide her pj's!)

I guess blankets were the theme this year!

merry new christmas year

i dislike that christmas and new years are so close together. it seems to take away from each other.

christmas was good. low key for the first time ever and i loved it. christmas eve i got many new things that i loved. new clothes, gift cards, movies, home decore, you know... gift stuff. christmas morning i got more gift cards, books (AWESOME), clothes, kitcheny stuff... loved it all. then christmas day drank a 30 pack of coors by 5ish. (ok so i had some help but it was fun.) played some cards, put a puzzle together, played some dr. mario. it was a good christmas.

two days later mom jumps on me about new years. " who's coming over? what are we eating? what are we drinking? what do i need to do? what are you going to do? " ahhhhh i don't know. tradition is to play games, drink, eat and hang out with the fam. i love it. one year i broke tradition and went off and got married but even that worked out rather fun. for some reason i have never got into the friends, dressing up, spending lots of money just to get so drunk i puke on my new dress, look like crap by 11pm and end up passed out before the new year. ok so i did it once, but never again. oh and one year i "ran away" to the mn north woods and spent new year with my bestest and that was super duper fun but it was a long drive in bad weather and so i keep those trips to summer months.

so i look forward to new years. i enjoy spending time with my family... in fact i look forward to it. we play games (apples to apples; hold em; scene it, euchure, canasta, rummy, catch phrase; etc.) looks like this year we're throwing in would you rather and wheel of fortune. this year we're also opening the festivities to outsiders. the family is welcoming friends to the gathering and my mom is a little nervous i believe. this will be the first time we will let the others see us and all our craziness. of course they are mostly my friends but all of them are friends that know my family well so i think it will be ok. our family gathering of like 12 people is turning into like 30-35ish. eek.

loving it.

oh and around thanksgiving we traded in chris's truck for a trailblazer, well we're trading in the trailblazer next week. i know we get a lot of new vehicles but i've been driving the same P.O.S. car for two years so that makes up for it, right?

i forget sometimes that young kids don't know how to treat others. in coaching 9-11 year old girls, i am remembering real quick what it's like when a kid gets jealous. they do everything in their power to turn their jealousy into anger and hate. kids are so mean to one another. on the flip side, i also forget when you're 11, it's not so easy to just suck it up and work harder.

example: Sally is jealous Jane is a better basketball player. Sally says mean things about Jane to everyone else around them. Instead of Sally working harder to become better, she spends her time getting worse and not paying attention. And Jane spends her time holding back and trying to not stand out by being good, thus letting Sally win.

I am trying to teach the "Jane" on my team to work even harder and get even better and in the long run, nothing "Sally" can say or do can change who she is. i hate to see kids struggle in social settings. i hate kids like "sally" always getting to win. but how do you teach an 11 year old the ole 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' isn't just some ridiculous saying, but in fact somewhat true. they can only hurt you if you let them.

i don't want to be 11 again...

now my problem as a coach is i know this is going on but how do i solve it? do i involve parents? there are three girls that have mentioned the said "sally"'s behavior and i thought it was getting better until a tearfilly breakdown after practice. i confronted a girl for not trying in practice and she told me it was due to "sally's" comments to her friends. i feel this problem is getting out of control and i don't want to make "jane's" life miserable outside of practice, which i am thinking involving parents might do, but i also thing said parents are blind to their daughters attitude and lack of social skills.

I JUST WANT TO TEACH THE GAME OF BASKETBALL!!