I just wanted to look at this picture and see if it helps make me feel better.... This past weekend we threw my little sister (green shirt) a bridal shower. Here is a pic of me, Alex (my neice), my little sister Jamie, and my oldest sister Jenn. The shower was fun and she got lots of nice things. I suck at life though...

here comes the pitty me portion of the program... continue at your own risk. I don't have any money so i said i'd cook some quiche to help with my part. (I also came up with the game we played which i enjoyed and everyone else hated - name that tune... songs with the word love in the title... i thought it was fun.) anyway... so we decided we'd cook the quiche at the fire station where the shower was being held so that it was fresh. well the oven was broke so my quiche didn't even get served. i pretty much didn't do anything for my little sister's bridal shower. and i'm the maid of honor. i'm a crappy maid of honor. i wish she would never have asked me. i screw up everything i touch.

and the real reason for my pitty party. i'm trying to go back to school. it's been nothing but headache after headache. i just want to die right now. i am seriously feeling so crappy my heart feels like it's going to come out my throat. i'm trying to schedule things and nothing is working out. i have to take my cna class this summer and get registered. But once I get registered I have to work in a position that requires it or get into the nursing program within 6 months. i'm not so sure that's going to work because even though I only have 5 classes to take before I'm into the nursing program, four of those classes can't be taken at the same time. Spread that out, it's almost two years before I can even get into the program! I'm so frustrated and I just want to scream but I'm trying to stay calm. It's really not working all that well but I'm trying, I'm really, really trying!

oh and P.S. Final Four this weekend!!! ENJOY WATCHING UNC WIN!

This past weekend I went home and had a blast. I saw my old friend, Shelly. I missed her lots and it was great to see her and her little guy. Carson was ADORABLE and he had the cutest little Puma shoes and I just loved his rosy cheeks. He was such a happy little duder. We took him to Target and I was that "cool aunt" that lets you get away with anything. We just ran the store and played with everything. He was getting REALLY sleeping by the time we left and I heard rumor he was out like a light!

Then I went with my little sister and her fiance to dinner and the bowling alley in our hometown. It was great to spend time with them. In fact, it was the first time that we had ever hung out, just the four of us. So I'm glad they were up for it.

Here is my sister and her fiance around bar time... it was a long but SUPER FUN night.

And here is Scott and I... I LOVE THIS GUY! I hate though that whenever I have my hair pulled back that it always looks sweaty and greasy in pictures. I wasn't either of those things.

Then we had "after bar" at my parents. It was hilarious. We were exactly quiet. My friend, Amanda, joined us and we played Mario Kart on Wii for awhile and had a couple more drinks. It was so much fun.

Here is Scott wishing he could just go to bed.

Then Sunday we had a bridal shower for Jamie with her fiance's family. It was a cute shower. We are throwing her one for our family in two or three weeks. I should probably get stuff ready and done for that but you know... it's a lot of pressure to make things just right for my little sister. I've messed up enough of her life already and I just want this one thing to be perfect for her.

Here is Jamie opening gifts...

I was able to spend some time this week with my cousin and her two kids, ages 13 and 10. It was so great to see them. I love those guys. We played Mario Kart and Guitar Hero Band all night. They were on spring break so we did the cool thing and stayed up late.... then all took naps the next day.

Next week my niece and nephews MAY be coming to stay with us. We want to take them to the indoor water park, a movie, bowling, the children's museum. I want to cook with them and make crafts and play wii. I hope they can come.

Other then that... just getting REALLY excited for school. I can't wait to just be done and start working as a nurse. I dream about it, literally. I just want to make a difference and I want to help people and feel needed again. Mr Wonderful is the most supportive and optimistic person I know. He's already making plans for dinners he can cook while I'm in school to help take pressure off me. He's already planning how we'll celebrate once I'm graduated. He's amazing. I know I've said it before but I don't think I'll ever say it enough.

good morning.

i'm going to "go to work" in a few mins but i wanted to vent for a second. not a bad vent, a good vent, for some reason.

it's been a little over a year since i had the conversation with my ex-husband. it was the end of february that i started not sleeping with him on a regular basis. at the time i would "fall asleep" on the couch a little more often then previously just because i wasn't sure what else to do. we had, on MANY occasions screamed at each other that we didn't want to be together. we had done lots of yelling and on MANY MANY occasions "what the hell are we doing together" came up. but it was the first week in march that i remember the most vividly. i was sitting in the recliner and he was sitting on the couch. i wouldn't look at him but i told him i wasn't happy and that i thought we needed some space. i remember he was very calm and asked what i meant and we had our first "adult" conversation about separating. granted he fought it for many months after that but it was about a year ago that i finally made him see how i saw our relationship.

it feels good today to think that i made it. it was a hard road for a long time. there were days that i wasn't sure if i would ever be able to look at chris and not die for what i put him through. i don't have a ton of regrets when it comes to my marriage/divorce. i wish i hadn't said yes in the first place, or maybe so soon. i wish i would have let him out before we got married when he asked for it. but i don't regret the time i spent with him.

chris is a strong person. he doesn't think he is because he has such a big heart. sometimes he lets it bog him down. sometimes it's so big and it feels like it's going to burst and instead of just setting it down for awhile, he carries it with him. but he's going to be ok. i know he is. i hope someday we can be friends. not like, tolerate each other. talk because he's now a part of my family. but real friends.

on the flip side... i'm not sure if i've ever felt love so deep and so pure as i do with scott. it's so completely different then anything else i've ever felt. it's not, "i love your company. i love the things you love." it's i really love everything about him. sometimes it bugs me because i will just be sitting on the couch reading my book and it's like a sudden urge that i want to run over to him and hug him and never stop. things i hate to do, don't seem so bad when i do them for him. we had our first "fight" last week. we decided to label it a fight because we don't ever fight. i wanted to grill out burgers and he didn't want to get the grill out so i didn't talk for like 10 mins. i thought he was going to laugh out loud at me when he saw me pouting. it was petty and it was stupid but it was funny too. i know things won't always be perfect and i know we haven't even been dating a year so things are bound to crash from time to time but right now, i'm just really happy.

since i'm remembering back it was a year ago last thursday that scott and i had our first real conversation. i called him during a badger game to raz him up a little. it turned into a few digs through text messages and about a month or so later we started talking as friends. our relationship was so taboo considering i was going through a divorce we tried to keep it on the DL. however, it wasn't long before i realized i liked this guy and he liked me. i think it was the end of april or the beginning of may that we started spending time together and it was then that i realized it was ok to let myself go. he listened about chris a lot. he was always devils advocate. maybe i was the one that was wrong. maybe chris was right, i was being impossible. maybe i was running away when i needed to stay. scott had a lot on the line and he wasn't about to let me run from my marriage. he forced me to talk to chris. to go see him. he encouraged me to try to "date" chris again.

my life turned out this way for a reason. i'm ok with whatever that reason was. sure, i wish i didn't disappoint and hurt other people. i wish that i could make everyone happy all the time. but i can't. all i can do is try to make myself happy. and if i fail, i at least know i tried my hardest.

This is our Badger themed office after the move. (well we added the futon so that's all that's new but either way... Badger theme - and his mom is making a slip cover for the futon that's all Badgers and pillow cases)

In the office I get two pieces of my favorite team. This mouse pad...

And my favorite basketball that sits squished in the corner. (I got this basketball at Chapel Hill when I went to the UNC vs Duke game in 2003)

happy st patricks day.

it is 8:30 in the morning on March 17th in wisconsin and it's already 66 degrees outside. amazing. i took the garbage to the curb in shorts this morning. ok so maybe it's not shorts weather but it was so liberating being able to do it!

today i have to go "to work" - aka give plasma, do a load of laundry, mop the kitchen floor, and then i'm taking my book to lake michigan and i'm going to sit outside all afternoon! well because i have the attention span of a two year old i'll probably be there for an hour or two. one bad part of all this nice weather is that it's still march, it most likely won't last.

i know it's been forever since i've written but life isn't real exciting right now. i spend my days trying to get ready for school. i spent 2 hours on the phone one day trying to track down my immunization records from my old doctor. talk about a pain in the behinder. i wanted to cry about 15 mins in but i just kept calling the next number they gave me. i never did find my mmr or whatever those are called. i need that to get into the cna program which i need to get into the rn program. basically i'm just praying that the card my mom kept track of everything on will work.

i've been spending a lot of time trying to find money too. filling out scholarships, financial aid forms, and meeting with the county/state reps to try to over ride my fafsa. because i had a job until november last year and the fafsa goes off a tax year, they say i have enough money to pay for school. but i don't have a job now. i don't have money now. if they want to pay me what i was making last year, then yea, i'll pay for my own school. it's not like i won't pay it back, i'm just asking for a loan!

this weekend is going to be a nice break from the chaos that has consumed me. thursday thru sunday the only thing allowed on any tv in this house will be basketball. scott's friends are coming up (one all the way from memphis) to watch the ncaa tournament. i can't wait. this is like christmas for us. it's in fact, the way we became friends. it was this time last year that we started talking on a regular basis. it was over our love for basketball that we became friends. it wasn't for a month or two later that we realized there was so much more we enjoyed about each other.

my pick? well i had to pick north carolina to take it to the championship but i think head to head they will struggle there. it also depends on if lawson is back full strength. i hope he doesn't play the first game, one more game to rest might help him out. i don't think unc is unbeatable and i know there are haters out there that will throw out over-rated... don't think i don't hear that all the time. but they are my team. they are talented and they have depth and a number of players that can take over at a moments notice. i think they have all the tools to get it done, it's a matter of if it will all come together. they are my team and i'm sticking with them.

so yea, last weekend we spent all weekend rearranging the house. we moved beds, tvs, the futon, the living room furniture, we vacuumed and we dusted and we cleaned windows and we cleaned floors and after 7.5 hours of fixing the house up to accomidate the most possible guests, we went to taco bell and endulged in greasy, mexican fast food. and it was tasty!

i'm feeling rather sick right now.

not puking-fever sick.

i've decided to stop sulking and to just go back to school. it's something i've always said i was going to do but i've never really been excited about it. mostly because i hate being an accountant. i'm not good at it. i don't care about it enough to ever be good at it.

i can read a book and tell you intimate details. i can hear some one's story and be compelled to help in the most complete way. but i can't remember details of tax law or GAAP. i just don't care about it and that makes it hard to learn it and even harder to be good at it.

so once again mr wonderful pulls through and says why don't you see about starting over. is there anything you have always wanted to do but were too scared to try?

so i'm going to go back to school for my bsn. i can't wait. i can't tell you how excited i am and how good it would be to go to work and feel like i'm making a difference. i know it might be nights or weekends or blood and guts (i was an emt, i can handle the blood and guts, don't you worry) but it really feels like this is what i want to do.

honestly the reason i haven't done it sooner was because i hate science. not completely, but it scares me a lot. it's so much memorizing. i forget my shoes sometimes. i've been known to walk out the door in my slippers. so memorizing is not exciting but it's part of the learning and i'm excited to try. to try my hardest.

so why am i sick?

i have no job. (duh, like you didn't know that) and with no job means no money. i get unemployment and that is used to pay my cell phone (which i'm tempted to cancel), my car payment (which is a loan i had to take out to pay for my divorce and my car was my collateral), my health insurance (which is $200/month since it's on my own) and all the food for our house (that's the only money i pay towards living here, i agreed to pay for the food.) when we go out to eat, scott pays, i never eat out on my own unless we have a gift card. i don't buy myself new things. my mom gave me a gift card for my birthday that i had to use for new shoes because mine were falling apart and made my ankle bleed every time i wore them. i just try to make it work and i try to not have to ask for help.

but i had to ask. my car insurance was due and i didn't have $500 to pay it. i was going to pay it just month to month but i wasn't sure how i would pay it once my unemployment ran out. so mr wonderful helped me. and now applying to school and getting things ready for that i've paid over $100 just to get enrolled. soon i'll have to pay tuition. it's so expensive.

i am sick because i had to ask for help.

i want to be independent. i want to do it on my own. i'm going to get a job to help pay bills until i start school and then i'll work part time. i'm going to do whatever i can to make this work and i don't want to rely on him completely but even having to ask for help makes me sick.