I want to remember this feeling forever.  This deep pitted feeling of being a mom.  As I rock my son to sleep and I feel his warmth on my chest.  The sounds of his hurried breaths.  The smell of a baby.  

He's 1 day old now. Officially in my arms more then 24 hours.  He's mine.  He's my baby.  He's my miracle. 

His first-mom said good bye today and it was hard.  We know (and he will always know) how much she loves him.  She held him and fed him.  She danced in her hospital bed with him.  She celebrated his health and his growth.  She made plans for his future and she told us her dreams for him.  But most of all, she just wants him to feel loved.  To be taken care of.  To be the best little man he can be.  

Her strength amazes me.  It truly does.  

So as I try to soak in every last second of these late night snuggles I also tell him about her.  And I hope he will be as attentive as he is tonight, forever.  I hope his heart will grow with a soft spot for not only her, but all others like her.  Because she is one in a million.

Someone pinch me. I'm a mom. 

Outside my window the sun is shining. Someone is mowing their lawn. Birds are chatting about the beautiful weather. My flower beds are reaching towards the sky.

I am thinking about school work. I enjoy studying nursing but I’m fearful I will never learn all this material. I should be doing homework right now. But I’m not. I’m thinking I should get back to it.

I am thankful for having Mr. Wonderful in my life. He lifts me up when I need him to. He encourages me to thrive. He loves me unconditionally.

I am wearing baggy GAP sweatpants that are the softest pants I own and a Vermont tshirt from an old roommate. I am not wearing shoes or socks and I love it!

I am remembering my days of UWSP. Living in the dorms and taking life literally, one day at a time. Not studying too hard but instead forming relationships that will last a life time.

I am going to try to stay organized this semester. I want to schedule free time with my family and friends and still work hard to earn my degree and work enough to keep my head above water.

I am currently reading Nursing books. Nursing Diagnosis, Pharmacology, and Nursing Fundamentals. I wish I was reading a novel about the beach.

I am hoping that Mr. Wonderful pops the question sooner than later. I love him so much and for the first time in my life, I know 100% that marrying him and having a family with him is right.

On my mind: Money. Our trip to New York state in November. Badger football games. Up coming weddings. Cleaning the house. Cooking dinners. Studying and doing homework. Getting to see this guy in concert this weekend.

Noticing that I’ve really made a mess out of our “office” space and realizing in order to stay organized, I should probably do something about said mess.

Pondering these words: “Thanks for making this difficult time a little easier. Your smile will stay with us forever” It was a thank you card a family that I worked with gave me. The gentleman was struggling with a new cancer diagnosis and I enjoyed caring for him as well as helping his family remember the little things in life in such a difficult time.

From the kitchen I hear nothing. No one is cooking me dinner so I guess at some point, I’ll have to go do it myself. I’d like to have some chicken grilled by the time Mr. Wonderful gets home from work so we can have chicken Caesar salads tonight before church.

Around the house things keep piling up.

One of my favorite things curling up on the couch with Percy, our cat and Mr Wonderful watching television or a movie.

From my picture journal:

Hahaha... I love this picture... he is totally in a food induced coma.  LOVE IT.

It seems like I only blog when things go bad. Not today! Yesterday scott did (and said) some things that made me melt a little.

* I was unloading the new coffee mugs we bought that match our dishes and realized we didn't have room in the cupboard.
Scott: we can take some of the beer mugs and put them in a box in the basement.
Me: does that mean we are getting old? Removing beer mugs to make room for coffee mugs?
Scott: I can't wait to get old with you. I never thought I'd grow up until I met you.

* we were sitting on the couch together. I was reading and more often then not, I absent-mindedly rub his back. He was turned awkward so I could reach. I was totally engrossed in my book when he he says "how do you feel about the name Maximus?". I glance over and see he's using the iPod looking up baby names!

* his parents who are not members of my fan club were here for four days this past weekend. It was actually a great weekend. We spent time doing all the things we've been meaning to do. Ate some AWESOME food. We spent some time at the kohler fixture showroom and more then once, Scott and I planned for our future home. It felt so good to hear him talk about our future in front of his parents.

* he's started calling me his 20% wife. I can only assume he's put 20% down on a ring!!

I know I struggle with where I fit into his family. I think I always will. All I can hope for is that he never stops reminding me how much he loves me. Sometimes I forget briefly. But gosh I love him. He still makes me go weak with a look. Thoughts of him makes my heart skip a beat. And his scent. I love the way he smells. I love the way he kisses my cheeks in public, so softly. I can't get enough of his kisses. He's pretty amazing. Ok, really amazing.

Today was/is a hard day. It's the first time it's really hit me that for the rest of my life, I'll be spending many "holidays" alone. To make it worse, things were stressful at work. I sat in my vehicle for a few mins today and just cried. Not hard, but tears are tears.

I just wanted to talk to mr. Wonderful. He wasn't there for me. Because he was out having fun with his family. I was so jealous. He spent the day playing mini golf. My "goals" this summer are to go play mini golf and go to the zoo. He already did one without me. So now I'm not sure I want to go. I don't want to always be the after thought. I'm frustrated. I hardly see my family but we drop everything to spend time with his.

Mr. Wonderful didn't answer when I called or texted him to tell him I was having a bad day. He couldn't take five mins out of his day to talk to me. He doesn't understand what it's like to be "left out". I didn't get to see my family. I didn't get to golf. I had a bad day. I'm sad. And he couldn't take five mins to say he's there for me.

Basically, I'm just having a really bad day.

On my mind today is...

Well you see on may 7th my 48 year old mom was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer. She had emergency surgery 24 hours later. She's recovering well and after a long recovery from complications of the epidermal and having her abdomen sliced open. Now is the hardest part. I know my mom is going to recover physically. I know she's got the strength to beat cancer. What scares the crap out of me... Is what she's going to be fighting on the inside for the rest of her life.

My mom is a do- er. She's on church council, the athletic booster club, she volunteers at almost every home sporting event, and I'm fairly sure everyone in my hometown has benefited from her big heart at one time or another. Now she's laid up and struggling with all the thoughts that run through her head. She's scared that every headache might be a brain tumor. Everytime she's got the sniffles, is the cancer in her blood? And then there is the relying on others. She can't bend over yet so things like cleaning the house are impossible. She can't drive so she needs to ask for a ride everywhere. She gets so tired just walking that she can't get groceries. I know all that will go away but it's killing her moral. She tries so hard to put on a show. She smiles and is optimistic but i can see the pain. The cancer won't kill her, but it is destroying her.

I hate that my mom is going through this. I hate that she had to have chemotherapy. I hate that she's dependent on others. I hate that I can't take her spot. I hate that I can't fix everything.

Oh, and I got the job... In oncology.

I sent the following in an email to a friend today...

I had a job interview today. For a Patient Care Assistant. (Pretty much a CNA, but in a hospital.) It was at Columbia- St Mary's in the Oncology department. As of right now, I hope to be an Oncology Nurse in the next two - three years. So basically I applied to this job just in case it's not what I want, at least I'll know now. And if I do, the experience would be absolutely amazing. Plus, Columbia- St Mary's is where I hope to work after graduation. The job is in Mequon, about a 35 mins drive south from here. If Scott and I ever leave Sheboygan we'd probably end up there so it's a pretty sweet deal. Plus, the drive isn't bad since I'd be working days and pm's and not nights anymore. I saw the job posted about a month or two ago and was like, what the heck, I don't NEED the job, so if I don't get it, no big deal. And if I do, sweet.

However, after leaving the interview this afternoon I realized... I REALLY want this job. It was the second and final interview. The "dude" told me he'd have HR check my references and he explained the orientation process and said he thinks I'd breeze through orientation in about 6-8 days instead of the normal 10-12 and that he could "feel my energy" which I hoped was a good thing. However, now I have to sit here and wait. I have to spend the next 24-48 hours telling myself it's ok if I don't get the job because after all, I didn't NEED it, remember? And there isn't anything else I can do but wait so why spend time worrying. And although it ended positive, it doesn't mean things will go my way. I may still not get the job after all.



Can I just tell you how much I am struggling to keep everything into prospective right now. I've wanted jobs before... heck I've NEEDED jobs before and I've never wanted one as bad as I want this. It isn't a "my life would be over if I don't get it" feeling... more of "I really can't believe the doors that would be opened if I do." There really isn't anything lost if I don't get it and I mean that 100%. But if I do... oh gosh. The experience alone is worth the drive. I should pay them for that! And then there's the foot in the door at an amazing hospital. And the contacts I'll make. And the money is better then I'm getting now. Then on top of it all... there's the whole first day of the rest of my life feeling.


Whoa... crazy. That my dear is what runs through my head!

After I sent it I sort of chuckled to myself.  Then I reread it and realized, I think it's good that I'm passionate about what I'm doing with my life right now.  I really mean it, if I don't get it, it's nothing really lost.  I enjoy my current job.  I want to be a nurse whether I get this job or not.  So really, I think it's good.  To show love and passion is good. 

*I still hope I get the job though of course!

I've become THAT lady.

the one that stands behind kids in lines and makes crazy faces.

the one that creeps you out in church because she's making your child laugh.

the one that looks at your kids and starts tearing up, for no aparent reason.

the one that high fives perfect strangers under the age of five.

yea, i did all of those things in the last 24 hours. 

my maternal instincts sometimes takes over and i realize i want nothing more then to spend forever with mr.wonderful raising his beautiful children.  sometimes it breaks my heart to have to wait.  sometimes it breaks my heart to think i might never get to look at those crazy ladies and tell them to leave my child alone.

but then i realize, i'll never yell at the crazy ladies or give them the stare down because i'll know how they are feeling. 

i'll know.