when i haven't seen someone for awhile the first thing they always ask is "how have you been?" or in the english language that's "how've ya been?"

my answer is always the same.

i'm good. happy. unemployed. living with new boyfriend. divorce went fine.

i don't know why i answer that way. i'm sure people can see right through me. where i'm happy to be living where i'm at and i'm very much in love and for 2-3 hours out of the day i forget how quickly my life has downward spiraled... i'm really not happy. the divorce didn't go well. and i hate not working and don't see an end in sight.

don't think i don't appreciate all i DO have. i do have a wonderful man in my life. i know that there are people in the world who are alone and struggling and i'm so lucky that i have someone. sometimes i look at him and he's smiling so big, not just with his mouth but his eyes and his entire face light up and i just want to hug him and keep him close and safe forever. i want to give him all his dreams and make his goals happen and i want to protect him forever. he deserves so much better then me, i just hope he never figures that out.

i know that i have the skills to work and that until someone else realizes that i need to remain positive. i've found hobbies i never knew i would enjoy and i'm trying my best to stay positive. that's a luxury in itself. the economy is getting worse before it gets better. i avoid the news completely because i'm sick of hearing about another 100 jobs laid off. another 300 jobs lost. that not only sucks for those people but that's another 400 people competing with me for my job.

and my divorce didn't involve kids so i'm lucky there. i gave up a lot of monetary goods to be happy. i don't need a ton of things. i divorced a good man whom i no longer loved. he may not understand it but in the long run, he too can be happy again. i think my divorce would have gone better if he hadn't changed his mind on things a million times. "i don't want to be married to you anymore" "i can't live without you" "i'll get help for my addictions" "can you pick me up, i'm wasted" "i won't break down, let's just talk" "i can't stop crying to talk to you" it was so hard to hear what he was really saying. i got so confused. the hardest part though wasn't between him and i. we both know that this is what needed to happen.

the hardest part is moving on. is it too soon to love someone so completely that i want to spend forever with him? will i ever again believe in marriage? will i ever be able to have a baby and not have people whisper? what happens if in 5 years from now mr wonderful doesn't love me? how long do i wait before i know it's forever? i don't think i'll ever know. it's a risk i want to take but i'm so scared. it's something that scares me everyday. that at any time he can wake up and forget how much we love each other and just walk away from me. that to his family i will always be just a divorced girl who's ruining his life. that my family will never allow themselves to get close to him, to us, in fear that he'll be done someday.

this post is way deeper then i ever intended it to be. i'm strong. i'm not a victim. i don't need pity or "it'll be ok" i just need a shoulder sometimes. i just need a friend that may not understand but at least empathise. i just need to give mr wonderful a break.

Good morning... almost afternoon.

I have been busy this morning dreaming. No really, that's what I've been doing. I've been sitting at the computer thinking about what I want my life to be in 5 years. Where I want to live, what I want to be doing, etc etc. I think it's important to do once in awhile... especially when you're in a slump.

So anyway... I've been at the computer just looking at stuff online. Percy, the cat, thinks she needs to be with me about 75% of the day. She follows me around like a dog most of the time. I throw her off the computer desk (ok more like gently set her down) probably once every 10-15 mins. So finally I put her favorite blanket ON the computer desk. Perfect solution. Now instead of having to try to see around her when she's chasing the mouse of following the words go across the screen, she lays downs.
And eventually the sound of the keys and the clicking of the mouse lulls her to sleep.

Oh and since I posted earlier this week about my birthday... here's a picture of Scott and I when we were out to dinner. He's so gosh darn cute I just want to eat him up. Well not really because then he wouldn't be here anymore but I really do love him a lot. Sometimes more then I think I should but I'm gonna just keep on letting myself do it. He's worth it.

i survived my birthday. i'm officially old. ok so in 2 more years i'll be old but i'm pretty darn close.

i had a good time. i spent the day with scott. we did normal everyday things like took a drop off to goodwill, ate subway for lunch, drove around the countryside looking at houses. it was very relaxing. then some friends came up and we went out to dinner. it was great. they were my first friends to come visit me here and it meant the world. we ate at a great steak house, (probably the best prime rib i've ever ate in my life), went out for a few drinks, and made it an early night... well since i'm old now i guess 2 am isn't early anymore.

i'm pretty bummed out today. i think it's just one of those days. i get them more often then i used to and it sucks. i mean seriously. at 28 i shouldn't be sitting in my pj's at 9 am crying over something stupid. at 28 i should be working and professional and too busy to worry about the small things. but i'm not too busy and so i worry. i worry about my friend who has breast cancer at 27. it's not fair. and that keeps everything else into prospective. i think about my sisters whom i will never be as close with again. how making a choice to make myself happy has forever ruined the bond we once had. how i'm loved by the most incredible person and how i don't feel like i deserve to be loved. all the drama and the hurt he's experienced just because he loves me. is it really fair to him? i think about how i want to be a mother. i want to be a family with scott and a child and our cat in a home full of love and no fear of the past. i think about how i can no longer see myself making that commitment out of fear it won't end up happily ever after. i want it, i really do, but i can't see myself ever having that. i worry about my dad and his health and the way he gets his whole heart into one thing that it doesn't leave any piece of his heart left to keep him alive. he's so passionate but he needs to settle down a tab. i worry about my niece and nephews growing up around the people who judge me the most and fearing they too will grow to judge me.

pretty much i'm a mess right now and that's what happens when you have too much time on your hands.

Sitting at home alone all day isn't always the most exciting of times. So I look to Percy for entertainment. I was sitting at the computer looking for jobs this morning when I heard her making a lot of noise in the hallway.

I have some work shirts hung up that need to get ironed and all of a sudden I see a tail poke out from underneath. She was having the best time hidden in those shirts. She loudly played for about 15 mins.

I noticed it was getting quiet so I went back out to look and this is what I saw.

She has now been napping in that position for a good half hour.

This my friends is why I have chosen to ignore the ironing for the last 3 weeks. Well that and I'm deathly afraid of burning his clothes so I'm hoping if I forget long enough, he'll just do it. I doubt it but a girl can dream, right?

i logged on today with the best of intentions.

i was going to blog.

however, right now i suck. at about everything. pretty much all of life.

that means i'll suck at blogging too.

so instead, i'm not going to even try.

i'll save you the drama.