when i haven't seen someone for awhile the first thing they always ask is "how have you been?" or in the english language that's "how've ya been?"

my answer is always the same.

i'm good. happy. unemployed. living with new boyfriend. divorce went fine.

i don't know why i answer that way. i'm sure people can see right through me. where i'm happy to be living where i'm at and i'm very much in love and for 2-3 hours out of the day i forget how quickly my life has downward spiraled... i'm really not happy. the divorce didn't go well. and i hate not working and don't see an end in sight.

don't think i don't appreciate all i DO have. i do have a wonderful man in my life. i know that there are people in the world who are alone and struggling and i'm so lucky that i have someone. sometimes i look at him and he's smiling so big, not just with his mouth but his eyes and his entire face light up and i just want to hug him and keep him close and safe forever. i want to give him all his dreams and make his goals happen and i want to protect him forever. he deserves so much better then me, i just hope he never figures that out.

i know that i have the skills to work and that until someone else realizes that i need to remain positive. i've found hobbies i never knew i would enjoy and i'm trying my best to stay positive. that's a luxury in itself. the economy is getting worse before it gets better. i avoid the news completely because i'm sick of hearing about another 100 jobs laid off. another 300 jobs lost. that not only sucks for those people but that's another 400 people competing with me for my job.

and my divorce didn't involve kids so i'm lucky there. i gave up a lot of monetary goods to be happy. i don't need a ton of things. i divorced a good man whom i no longer loved. he may not understand it but in the long run, he too can be happy again. i think my divorce would have gone better if he hadn't changed his mind on things a million times. "i don't want to be married to you anymore" "i can't live without you" "i'll get help for my addictions" "can you pick me up, i'm wasted" "i won't break down, let's just talk" "i can't stop crying to talk to you" it was so hard to hear what he was really saying. i got so confused. the hardest part though wasn't between him and i. we both know that this is what needed to happen.

the hardest part is moving on. is it too soon to love someone so completely that i want to spend forever with him? will i ever again believe in marriage? will i ever be able to have a baby and not have people whisper? what happens if in 5 years from now mr wonderful doesn't love me? how long do i wait before i know it's forever? i don't think i'll ever know. it's a risk i want to take but i'm so scared. it's something that scares me everyday. that at any time he can wake up and forget how much we love each other and just walk away from me. that to his family i will always be just a divorced girl who's ruining his life. that my family will never allow themselves to get close to him, to us, in fear that he'll be done someday.

this post is way deeper then i ever intended it to be. i'm strong. i'm not a victim. i don't need pity or "it'll be ok" i just need a shoulder sometimes. i just need a friend that may not understand but at least empathise. i just need to give mr wonderful a break.