i survived my birthday. i'm officially old. ok so in 2 more years i'll be old but i'm pretty darn close.

i had a good time. i spent the day with scott. we did normal everyday things like took a drop off to goodwill, ate subway for lunch, drove around the countryside looking at houses. it was very relaxing. then some friends came up and we went out to dinner. it was great. they were my first friends to come visit me here and it meant the world. we ate at a great steak house, (probably the best prime rib i've ever ate in my life), went out for a few drinks, and made it an early night... well since i'm old now i guess 2 am isn't early anymore.

i'm pretty bummed out today. i think it's just one of those days. i get them more often then i used to and it sucks. i mean seriously. at 28 i shouldn't be sitting in my pj's at 9 am crying over something stupid. at 28 i should be working and professional and too busy to worry about the small things. but i'm not too busy and so i worry. i worry about my friend who has breast cancer at 27. it's not fair. and that keeps everything else into prospective. i think about my sisters whom i will never be as close with again. how making a choice to make myself happy has forever ruined the bond we once had. how i'm loved by the most incredible person and how i don't feel like i deserve to be loved. all the drama and the hurt he's experienced just because he loves me. is it really fair to him? i think about how i want to be a mother. i want to be a family with scott and a child and our cat in a home full of love and no fear of the past. i think about how i can no longer see myself making that commitment out of fear it won't end up happily ever after. i want it, i really do, but i can't see myself ever having that. i worry about my dad and his health and the way he gets his whole heart into one thing that it doesn't leave any piece of his heart left to keep him alive. he's so passionate but he needs to settle down a tab. i worry about my niece and nephews growing up around the people who judge me the most and fearing they too will grow to judge me.

pretty much i'm a mess right now and that's what happens when you have too much time on your hands.