good morning.

i'm going to "go to work" in a few mins but i wanted to vent for a second. not a bad vent, a good vent, for some reason.

it's been a little over a year since i had the conversation with my ex-husband. it was the end of february that i started not sleeping with him on a regular basis. at the time i would "fall asleep" on the couch a little more often then previously just because i wasn't sure what else to do. we had, on MANY occasions screamed at each other that we didn't want to be together. we had done lots of yelling and on MANY MANY occasions "what the hell are we doing together" came up. but it was the first week in march that i remember the most vividly. i was sitting in the recliner and he was sitting on the couch. i wouldn't look at him but i told him i wasn't happy and that i thought we needed some space. i remember he was very calm and asked what i meant and we had our first "adult" conversation about separating. granted he fought it for many months after that but it was about a year ago that i finally made him see how i saw our relationship.

it feels good today to think that i made it. it was a hard road for a long time. there were days that i wasn't sure if i would ever be able to look at chris and not die for what i put him through. i don't have a ton of regrets when it comes to my marriage/divorce. i wish i hadn't said yes in the first place, or maybe so soon. i wish i would have let him out before we got married when he asked for it. but i don't regret the time i spent with him.

chris is a strong person. he doesn't think he is because he has such a big heart. sometimes he lets it bog him down. sometimes it's so big and it feels like it's going to burst and instead of just setting it down for awhile, he carries it with him. but he's going to be ok. i know he is. i hope someday we can be friends. not like, tolerate each other. talk because he's now a part of my family. but real friends.

on the flip side... i'm not sure if i've ever felt love so deep and so pure as i do with scott. it's so completely different then anything else i've ever felt. it's not, "i love your company. i love the things you love." it's i really love everything about him. sometimes it bugs me because i will just be sitting on the couch reading my book and it's like a sudden urge that i want to run over to him and hug him and never stop. things i hate to do, don't seem so bad when i do them for him. we had our first "fight" last week. we decided to label it a fight because we don't ever fight. i wanted to grill out burgers and he didn't want to get the grill out so i didn't talk for like 10 mins. i thought he was going to laugh out loud at me when he saw me pouting. it was petty and it was stupid but it was funny too. i know things won't always be perfect and i know we haven't even been dating a year so things are bound to crash from time to time but right now, i'm just really happy.

since i'm remembering back it was a year ago last thursday that scott and i had our first real conversation. i called him during a badger game to raz him up a little. it turned into a few digs through text messages and about a month or so later we started talking as friends. our relationship was so taboo considering i was going through a divorce we tried to keep it on the DL. however, it wasn't long before i realized i liked this guy and he liked me. i think it was the end of april or the beginning of may that we started spending time together and it was then that i realized it was ok to let myself go. he listened about chris a lot. he was always devils advocate. maybe i was the one that was wrong. maybe chris was right, i was being impossible. maybe i was running away when i needed to stay. scott had a lot on the line and he wasn't about to let me run from my marriage. he forced me to talk to chris. to go see him. he encouraged me to try to "date" chris again.

my life turned out this way for a reason. i'm ok with whatever that reason was. sure, i wish i didn't disappoint and hurt other people. i wish that i could make everyone happy all the time. but i can't. all i can do is try to make myself happy. and if i fail, i at least know i tried my hardest.

This is our Badger themed office after the move. (well we added the futon so that's all that's new but either way... Badger theme - and his mom is making a slip cover for the futon that's all Badgers and pillow cases)

In the office I get two pieces of my favorite team. This mouse pad...

And my favorite basketball that sits squished in the corner. (I got this basketball at Chapel Hill when I went to the UNC vs Duke game in 2003)

happy st patricks day.

it is 8:30 in the morning on March 17th in wisconsin and it's already 66 degrees outside. amazing. i took the garbage to the curb in shorts this morning. ok so maybe it's not shorts weather but it was so liberating being able to do it!

today i have to go "to work" - aka give plasma, do a load of laundry, mop the kitchen floor, and then i'm taking my book to lake michigan and i'm going to sit outside all afternoon! well because i have the attention span of a two year old i'll probably be there for an hour or two. one bad part of all this nice weather is that it's still march, it most likely won't last.

i know it's been forever since i've written but life isn't real exciting right now. i spend my days trying to get ready for school. i spent 2 hours on the phone one day trying to track down my immunization records from my old doctor. talk about a pain in the behinder. i wanted to cry about 15 mins in but i just kept calling the next number they gave me. i never did find my mmr or whatever those are called. i need that to get into the cna program which i need to get into the rn program. basically i'm just praying that the card my mom kept track of everything on will work.

i've been spending a lot of time trying to find money too. filling out scholarships, financial aid forms, and meeting with the county/state reps to try to over ride my fafsa. because i had a job until november last year and the fafsa goes off a tax year, they say i have enough money to pay for school. but i don't have a job now. i don't have money now. if they want to pay me what i was making last year, then yea, i'll pay for my own school. it's not like i won't pay it back, i'm just asking for a loan!

this weekend is going to be a nice break from the chaos that has consumed me. thursday thru sunday the only thing allowed on any tv in this house will be basketball. scott's friends are coming up (one all the way from memphis) to watch the ncaa tournament. i can't wait. this is like christmas for us. it's in fact, the way we became friends. it was this time last year that we started talking on a regular basis. it was over our love for basketball that we became friends. it wasn't for a month or two later that we realized there was so much more we enjoyed about each other.

my pick? well i had to pick north carolina to take it to the championship but i think head to head they will struggle there. it also depends on if lawson is back full strength. i hope he doesn't play the first game, one more game to rest might help him out. i don't think unc is unbeatable and i know there are haters out there that will throw out over-rated... don't think i don't hear that all the time. but they are my team. they are talented and they have depth and a number of players that can take over at a moments notice. i think they have all the tools to get it done, it's a matter of if it will all come together. they are my team and i'm sticking with them.

so yea, last weekend we spent all weekend rearranging the house. we moved beds, tvs, the futon, the living room furniture, we vacuumed and we dusted and we cleaned windows and we cleaned floors and after 7.5 hours of fixing the house up to accomidate the most possible guests, we went to taco bell and endulged in greasy, mexican fast food. and it was tasty!

i'm feeling rather sick right now.

not puking-fever sick.

i've decided to stop sulking and to just go back to school. it's something i've always said i was going to do but i've never really been excited about it. mostly because i hate being an accountant. i'm not good at it. i don't care about it enough to ever be good at it.

i can read a book and tell you intimate details. i can hear some one's story and be compelled to help in the most complete way. but i can't remember details of tax law or GAAP. i just don't care about it and that makes it hard to learn it and even harder to be good at it.

so once again mr wonderful pulls through and says why don't you see about starting over. is there anything you have always wanted to do but were too scared to try?

so i'm going to go back to school for my bsn. i can't wait. i can't tell you how excited i am and how good it would be to go to work and feel like i'm making a difference. i know it might be nights or weekends or blood and guts (i was an emt, i can handle the blood and guts, don't you worry) but it really feels like this is what i want to do.

honestly the reason i haven't done it sooner was because i hate science. not completely, but it scares me a lot. it's so much memorizing. i forget my shoes sometimes. i've been known to walk out the door in my slippers. so memorizing is not exciting but it's part of the learning and i'm excited to try. to try my hardest.

so why am i sick?

i have no job. (duh, like you didn't know that) and with no job means no money. i get unemployment and that is used to pay my cell phone (which i'm tempted to cancel), my car payment (which is a loan i had to take out to pay for my divorce and my car was my collateral), my health insurance (which is $200/month since it's on my own) and all the food for our house (that's the only money i pay towards living here, i agreed to pay for the food.) when we go out to eat, scott pays, i never eat out on my own unless we have a gift card. i don't buy myself new things. my mom gave me a gift card for my birthday that i had to use for new shoes because mine were falling apart and made my ankle bleed every time i wore them. i just try to make it work and i try to not have to ask for help.

but i had to ask. my car insurance was due and i didn't have $500 to pay it. i was going to pay it just month to month but i wasn't sure how i would pay it once my unemployment ran out. so mr wonderful helped me. and now applying to school and getting things ready for that i've paid over $100 just to get enrolled. soon i'll have to pay tuition. it's so expensive.

i am sick because i had to ask for help.

i want to be independent. i want to do it on my own. i'm going to get a job to help pay bills until i start school and then i'll work part time. i'm going to do whatever i can to make this work and i don't want to rely on him completely but even having to ask for help makes me sick.

How well I know him...
In honor of Valentines Day, I bring you..
How well do I know my Boyfriend?

1. Your boyfriend is sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?

ESPN, College Basketball, College Football, Scrubs, 90210, Discovery Channel, Destroyed in 60 Seconds... he's a tv junkie.

2. Who takes longer showers, you or him?
Definitely him... the man wastes water like no one else I've ever met.


3. What is one food your boyfriend doesn't like?
Carrots. However, since I'm the cook I try to chop them real small and hide them in things


4. What would your boyfriend say is the first thing that caught his eye about you?
He has admitted more then once that the first time he looked twice was after having a long conversation with me about my love for the Tarheels. I was married though so he never thought it was worth his time to look.

5. Where did he go to high school?
Columbus High School Columbus, Wisconsin and his graduating class was 90 some people

6. What is his shoe size?
11

7. If he was to collect something, what would it be?
Baseball caps, "free" tshirts, and Wisconsin Badgers anything. He owns boxes of hats. I've made him get rid of three large boxes of tshirts since moving in. He has an entire room in the house designated "The Badger Room." His dream is to someday have a family room decorated Badgers complete with a separate toilet with a Golden Gopher decal IN it so he can crap on the Gophers. I kid you not.


8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
He's really not a picky eater so it depends where we are... he likes steak subs from subway, taco sub from fatzos, chicken from cousins. he eats a sandwich everyday for work though and it's usually ham, Famous Sauce - a combo of mayo and mustard, two slices of cheese.

9. How does he take his coffee?
He doesn't like coffee but he'll drink French Vanilla Cappuccino. He prefers Vanilla Steamers.

10. What is his favorite cereal?
I don't know this because I've never, in a year, seen him eat cereal. He loves scrambled eggs with salsa and breakfast burritos though.

11. Where did he go to college?
He started at Concordia University in Mequon but got asked to leave because of grades so he went to MATC in Madison for a semester. Transferred back and got asked to leave again. Went to Waukesha Tech for a couple semesters and got an associates degree then went BACK to Concordia where he finally got his bachelors degree after 7 years.

12. What is his favorite sports team?
Hands down the Wisconsin Badgers. He's got season tickets to football and we watch every basketball game on tv.

This is us at a football game this year... I made it to four this year, he didn't miss one.

This is him and my nephew at the Badger Basketball game we went to this year.

13. Where was your first date?
He took me to the Skybox (a sports pub in Sheboygan) and then we went to the Hopps Haven (a bar that is always a small micro brew) and then to the TippO Too (a hick bar that has since become one of our favorite places to hang out)



14. What is something I do that he wishes I wouldn't?
Cry a lot. :) He's really a very easy going person and I don't think he pays much attention to other people's "habits"


15. What is his heritage?
German is a huge part of it and he said his grandma used to speak German more then English. Every once and awhile his mom says stuff in German too, it's fun.


16. You bake him a cake for his birthday, what kind is it?
Chocolate chocolate chocolate... however, I don't bake. Scott LOVES desserts and sweets.


17. What could he spend hours doing?
Playing Wii - Mario Kart, Guitar Hero - drums or guitar, Mario Party 8.

Playing PS3- EA College Football, Madden games, Hot Shots Golf

Watching tv- sports 75% of the time and sitcoms the rest of the time

This was from one night we went on a wii bender and played for like 13 hours straight or something... just the two of us.

18. What is one unique talent he has?
I was surprised by this but he has rhythm. He's never been in a band or anything (well except high school band 15 years ago) and he can play a drum. Not just on wii but like to tap along to things... i love it. He's actually rather musical but he'll never admit it. He can sing too.

19. Where is his favorite place he has traveled?
this is hard because we've never travelled together but he loves Arizona and he's been to Hawaii so I'd guess one of those two places. Except that he went to Arizona with his ex-girlfriend so that part makes me not like that trip so much. I'm a little jealous. :)

20. What is a clothing item he would never wear?
Skinny jeans.

i'm not a pity me person. in fact some of my best friends don't ever find out i was having a tough time until long after it's over and i've moved on. I don't like that this blog has turned into a negative place and i hate that i have these feelings to begin with. but they are here and for some reason indirectly telling the entire world about these fears and heart aches helps so i continue to write.

mr wonderful's sister is still hating on me. i want to talk to her. i want to call her and i want her to yell at me and i want her to make me see why she's feeling the way she is. i want to help her. i want her to get help from anyone, a doctor, a friend, a co-worker, whoever can make her feel better because i can't imagine obsessing about your brother and his new girlfriend feels good. i can't imagine that losing a friend is any easier on her then it is on me. i want to tell her that. but i can't do that because i love him too much. i can't cause a stir in his family.

but she can. she can stir as much as she wants. if i'm coming over to his parents, she goes into full panic attack mode and the family yells and scott feels in the middle and we leave or he meets me at the road. he was sitting around the table a few weeks ago enjoying time with his family and laughing and having fun. i was to meet him there for about an hour before we headed home but his sister had other ideas. she freaked out, quite literally. she was bawling, difficulty breathing, full out panic attack. and i caused it. so we left. last night he had family dinner without me. i'll never be a part of his family if his sister has anything to do with it.

Everyone just keeps saying she has to deal with it. She has to get over it. But that's not the part I can control. So I'm stuck. Really stuck. And Scott is stuck. I never wanted to fall in love with anyone after my now-ex-husband. I never wanted to fall in love with Scott. I wanted him to be my best friend. I wanted him to be there for me and to do friend things but then one night I fell in love with him. I don't know how or why but I did. I love him. It's easy loving him. He doesn't judge me. He doesn't get angry that I don't have money or that my car breaks or that i don't wash the dishes quick enough or play the perfect housewife. He doesn't care if I sleep all day or fall asleep early. He laughs when i watch reality shows and he sits with me when i know he hates food network and hgtv. He loves me for who I am and he's proud of the little things. We've never had a fight. Except for the "sister wants to kill me" stuff. It's the only thing that isn't easy about loving him. And the hardest part, it's my fault. I could walk away and it would all be over. Scott wouldn't be stuck between me and his family. He wouldn't have to feel like he can't be complete.

And his mom wants to be happy for us. She is so different when his sister isn't around or when the sister doesn't know we're around, i should say. She was talkative and she hugged me and she was so sweet. But then she has her daughter pulling her the other way. She's so torn.

Scott has his nephew's birthday party coming up and I want him to go because I don't want to be the reason holding him back but I can't be there and I don't want him to make his sister think that how she's acting is ok so I don't want him to go. I don't want to make him have to make the choice though either. I want him to be able to just be happy and not even have that as a concern. I'm so scared because right now, the only thing that will make it easier is if I walk away and walking away from Scott is the scariest thought I've ever had. I know we're not married and I don't know if we ever will be and that's ok with me. But I love him so much. I hate being the reason he's sad. I hate being the one pulling him away from his family.

Can I live knowing I'll never be welcomed to family dinner? Is it ok that Scott goes to his nephew's birthday without me? Can we have a fully happy and functioning relationship if I never get to know his family? Does it work that way? Do I work that way?

i haven't gone mia or into a deep cheese induced coma. just enjoying the 50 degree weather in the middle of Feb! The other day I took a walk downtown and eventually made my way to the lake. here i am chilling on a park bench enjoying the views.
if i lived here i could enjoy the views all the time. i think this is my new favorite house ever. seriously. it overlooks lake michigan. there is a huge beach right in front of it. all you have to do is walk down the stairs and cross the street. it's perfect. and it's beautiful. i want to see the inside. do you think they'll give me a tour?

the ducks were out in full force. it was a great site.

scott and i have been home a ton lately. between birthdays (mine, my sister's, scott's sister's, scott's mom's, my nephews), my parents anniversary, and wedding planning (not ours... but his oldest sister and my youngest sister are both getting married in the next year) we seem to find lots of reasons to make the almost 2 hour trip home.

this picture is of my nephew who turns 9 today! Happy Birthday Ryno! Or as scott calls him "All Star" (ryno calls scott Dawg... it's a cute little thing they have going.)

this weekend we're staying home! all weekend. saturday i have a surprise planned for scott at 10 am. all he knows is it's in sheboygan and it's at 10. that's all i can say because i'm 99% sure he doesn't read this but just in case, i don't want to ruin it. then we're going to do lunch and maybe rent some movies. otherwise we might have a wii fest. we'll see. either way it'll be me and the man i love all weekend. it'll be perfect.