i'm not a pity me person. in fact some of my best friends don't ever find out i was having a tough time until long after it's over and i've moved on. I don't like that this blog has turned into a negative place and i hate that i have these feelings to begin with. but they are here and for some reason indirectly telling the entire world about these fears and heart aches helps so i continue to write.

mr wonderful's sister is still hating on me. i want to talk to her. i want to call her and i want her to yell at me and i want her to make me see why she's feeling the way she is. i want to help her. i want her to get help from anyone, a doctor, a friend, a co-worker, whoever can make her feel better because i can't imagine obsessing about your brother and his new girlfriend feels good. i can't imagine that losing a friend is any easier on her then it is on me. i want to tell her that. but i can't do that because i love him too much. i can't cause a stir in his family.

but she can. she can stir as much as she wants. if i'm coming over to his parents, she goes into full panic attack mode and the family yells and scott feels in the middle and we leave or he meets me at the road. he was sitting around the table a few weeks ago enjoying time with his family and laughing and having fun. i was to meet him there for about an hour before we headed home but his sister had other ideas. she freaked out, quite literally. she was bawling, difficulty breathing, full out panic attack. and i caused it. so we left. last night he had family dinner without me. i'll never be a part of his family if his sister has anything to do with it.

Everyone just keeps saying she has to deal with it. She has to get over it. But that's not the part I can control. So I'm stuck. Really stuck. And Scott is stuck. I never wanted to fall in love with anyone after my now-ex-husband. I never wanted to fall in love with Scott. I wanted him to be my best friend. I wanted him to be there for me and to do friend things but then one night I fell in love with him. I don't know how or why but I did. I love him. It's easy loving him. He doesn't judge me. He doesn't get angry that I don't have money or that my car breaks or that i don't wash the dishes quick enough or play the perfect housewife. He doesn't care if I sleep all day or fall asleep early. He laughs when i watch reality shows and he sits with me when i know he hates food network and hgtv. He loves me for who I am and he's proud of the little things. We've never had a fight. Except for the "sister wants to kill me" stuff. It's the only thing that isn't easy about loving him. And the hardest part, it's my fault. I could walk away and it would all be over. Scott wouldn't be stuck between me and his family. He wouldn't have to feel like he can't be complete.

And his mom wants to be happy for us. She is so different when his sister isn't around or when the sister doesn't know we're around, i should say. She was talkative and she hugged me and she was so sweet. But then she has her daughter pulling her the other way. She's so torn.

Scott has his nephew's birthday party coming up and I want him to go because I don't want to be the reason holding him back but I can't be there and I don't want him to make his sister think that how she's acting is ok so I don't want him to go. I don't want to make him have to make the choice though either. I want him to be able to just be happy and not even have that as a concern. I'm so scared because right now, the only thing that will make it easier is if I walk away and walking away from Scott is the scariest thought I've ever had. I know we're not married and I don't know if we ever will be and that's ok with me. But I love him so much. I hate being the reason he's sad. I hate being the one pulling him away from his family.

Can I live knowing I'll never be welcomed to family dinner? Is it ok that Scott goes to his nephew's birthday without me? Can we have a fully happy and functioning relationship if I never get to know his family? Does it work that way? Do I work that way?