My princess Savanah is sick. Really really sick. If anyone knows what this means please tell me:

Her ALT number is high, at 929. I guess that's something to do with her liver.
her bilirueben is not normal.
she is severly dehydrated
she has an odd pattern in the cranial colon

to me, that just means she's sick
she's staying at the vet clinic tonight.
this morning they told me she wouldn't make it home, ever. to come say goodbye.
but she's pulling through.
i hope she makes it.
i love her so much. i can't handle this.
i've never felt so helpless.
she's my baby.
my everything.
i ditched her when she needed me most.
i feel like if i had just taken the crappy apartment and let her live with me, i could have prevented this.
she needs to pull through.

i'm scared she won't.

summer lovin...

had me a blast.

summer lovin

happened so fast

i met a boy... cute as can be!!!!

Ok I'm done singing now... promise.

i had the most spectacular weekend. with the boy. the cute one. you've seen his picture.

biggest regret of the weekend: no camera to record the cute boy. the water. the "boardwalk". the lighthouse. the video games. the reading. the cuddling. the talks. the views. the houses. the drive. the diners. the cooking. the laughs.

but i promise, it all happened and i loved it all.

sometimes all it takes is a look

the doc went ok yesterday. not a lot of bad news, not a lot of good news. ran tests. tests take 4ever to get back. so i was still rather bummed when i left yesterday. so what was i going to do? go back to work for 30 mins, doubtful. so i drove north. i went to see this guy.

this guy is like a drug. i can't ever seem to get enough. he makes me laugh all the time and that's very important. extra important on nights like last night. i was really uncomfortable being poked and prodded in all the wrong places. he took me for an extremely romantic dinner of burgers and ice cream. i even got a root beer float, my favorite. something about this kid makes me really, really happy.

it's probably wrong to let any person have as much control over me as he does. but it's not like wants the control, it's unwilling. i can't help but want to make him happy. maybe it's because he doesn't get UNhappy when i'm just being me. we are two of the most lazy s.o.b.'s on the planet. a night of sitting on the couch, watching tv, eating delivery... the perfect date. at the same time we can motivate each other though, and that's what's important. we have spent a friday night together cleaning his house from top to bottom. i'm talking 4 hours of hard core on my knees cleaning. i hate cleaning.

but he's wonderful. he listens and he responds. he turns the tv volume down when we talk on the phone so he's not distracted. he calls every morning at 7 am to say good morning. he respects me enough to never tell me what i can't or shouldn't do. he cares about my health and worries for my safety. he's funny and he keeps me laughing. and he can kiss. boy can he kiss. sometimes i think he could get me to do anything with those lips. not fair. but i love it.

i have no idea where life will take me, hell i didn't know i'd end up here, how can i prepare for anything??? i guess i can't. so instead of being careful and guarding my heart i let him in. i'm glad. i like to think we'll be around in each other's lives forever. that it'll be his stinky morning breath that wakes me up every morning. or his 5 o'clock shadow that greats me when i get home from work. i can't wait until i get to snuggle with him every night on the couch. and why not? i have no reason to think differently. when someone makes you feel as good as he makes me feel... you should live knowing that you've gotten perfection... and then do whatever you can to keep it.

i want to keep him. forever.

big girls don't cry

sometimes i turn into this hideous creature called a girl. i hate it when that happens. no really, i do. i hate being a girl. i don't really cry. not about break ups or broken bones or hurt feelings. i cry about death. that i'll never deny. today i started crying at work. yea just sitting at work, and all of a sudden a tear ran down my face. all the way down my big bobblehead face. So i did what any 27 year old would do, i called mommy. mommy didn't answer so I emailed her instead.

this may be the most personal blog to date and i'm sure if anyone does still read this i will get some trouble or some slack but i want to post it anyway. i'm not sure why but i do.

(The email to mom)
I'm sitting at work right now crying. I don't even know why. Honestly. I was just thinking about the doctor's appointment I have this afternoon and I started crying. I made this appointment a year ago. When I made it, I told the doctor I'd like to talk about maybe starting to try for kids at this point. I figured we'd be rounding the end of our 3rd year of marriage and it would be time to get it all started. Chris didn't know. It's probably best.

A year ago I knew I would be ready to start a family. I wasn't wrong mom. I am ready to start a family. Granted I can't anymore since I live in a lofted apartment, have a boyfriend of only a couple months, and no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life. But even so, I'm ready. Whenever it happens, I will be able to face it. I might not be able to face anyone else, but I'll be able to face myself and my baby. So it's scary. It's scary to think that today when I get there he can give me the news that I'll never have a baby the "normal" way. Or he may say, "Alright, Jess, you're ready." And either answer he gives me, it's going to crush me.

I didn't plan my life out so well, huh? I've been a mess for the last two days thinking about this. I was tempted to cancel the appointment all together. But I know it's going to be fine. They will probably just say "It looks good. We'll have to wait until you're ready to start trying to know more. You made need some extra pushes but we can try it the natural way first." Then I will just have to sit and wait another like million and two years to really know anything. I feel like an emotional mess right now.

Ah, anyway. I love you. Thanks for listening to me whine all the time. Sometimes it makes me feel better.

weddings

i was in a wedding this past weekend and i had a blast. it was my really good friend and i gave a speech and everyone laughed in the right places and i think i did ok. i drank a lot, but not too much. wasn't even hungover on sunday!

so that was good. what wasn't so good was a "friend" of mine hates me. she disagrees with my choice for a new boy in my life. probably because it's her brother. i don't know. maybe it was wrong for me to ever talk to him in the first place. maybe i'm in the wrong here. but she HATES me and when i say that i don't mean like she yells at me and tells me she hates me, i mean she does whatever she can to make sure i know she doesn't like it, without ever talking to me, like at all. i haven't seen her since um april maybe. haven't talked to her since july 3rd on the phone where she told me she wanted to punch me. she just passes on her hatred through her brother. which sucks because then not only does she hate me, she puts him in the middle. oh my gosh i seriously feel 12 even writing about this. she's a good person. she has a big heart and she's so sweet. to everyone but me i guess. i miss her. i miss talking to her almost every friday night - no exaggeration. i miss hanging out with her and laughing and drinking and dancing and just having fun.

i'm stuck because i'm happy. i'm really really happy but i always have this nagging voice in the back of my head reminding me she doesn't approve.

i just want it to be ok. i guess i have to accept a choice i made to make myself and someone else happy, is going to mean i have to lose a friend.

i honestly feel like bawling my eyes out right now.

i miss my dog. chris bought our house from me so savanah lives in her home with chris. she has a big yard and big house and is free to do as she pleases there.

but i want her. i can't, i live in a no dog apartment that's tiny so even if i could, it would be mean to her.

i just want to take care of her. yea, dogs are a lot of work but they are so rewarding. i love those big brown eyes and how excited she gets when she sees someone new. i love watching her play catch. the dog can jump too. man can she jump. and she's good with kids. she's aggressive, she'll lick and she jumps and she gets out of control but she just loves kids. i think it's the snotty faces that get her wound up.

she's a good dog. she's sad though. i think she misses me. honestly. i think she misses out couch cuddling and our early morning walks and our evenings outside. chris is trying. he's doing an ok job i think but he's busy. he's trying to have a social life, take care of a big house, and a dog all on his own. he's trying. he really is. but he can't ever be mommy. he can't ever take my place.

i miss my dog.