big girls don't cry

sometimes i turn into this hideous creature called a girl. i hate it when that happens. no really, i do. i hate being a girl. i don't really cry. not about break ups or broken bones or hurt feelings. i cry about death. that i'll never deny. today i started crying at work. yea just sitting at work, and all of a sudden a tear ran down my face. all the way down my big bobblehead face. So i did what any 27 year old would do, i called mommy. mommy didn't answer so I emailed her instead.

this may be the most personal blog to date and i'm sure if anyone does still read this i will get some trouble or some slack but i want to post it anyway. i'm not sure why but i do.

(The email to mom)
I'm sitting at work right now crying. I don't even know why. Honestly. I was just thinking about the doctor's appointment I have this afternoon and I started crying. I made this appointment a year ago. When I made it, I told the doctor I'd like to talk about maybe starting to try for kids at this point. I figured we'd be rounding the end of our 3rd year of marriage and it would be time to get it all started. Chris didn't know. It's probably best.

A year ago I knew I would be ready to start a family. I wasn't wrong mom. I am ready to start a family. Granted I can't anymore since I live in a lofted apartment, have a boyfriend of only a couple months, and no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life. But even so, I'm ready. Whenever it happens, I will be able to face it. I might not be able to face anyone else, but I'll be able to face myself and my baby. So it's scary. It's scary to think that today when I get there he can give me the news that I'll never have a baby the "normal" way. Or he may say, "Alright, Jess, you're ready." And either answer he gives me, it's going to crush me.

I didn't plan my life out so well, huh? I've been a mess for the last two days thinking about this. I was tempted to cancel the appointment all together. But I know it's going to be fine. They will probably just say "It looks good. We'll have to wait until you're ready to start trying to know more. You made need some extra pushes but we can try it the natural way first." Then I will just have to sit and wait another like million and two years to really know anything. I feel like an emotional mess right now.

Ah, anyway. I love you. Thanks for listening to me whine all the time. Sometimes it makes me feel better.