i'm feeling rather sick right now.

not puking-fever sick.

i've decided to stop sulking and to just go back to school. it's something i've always said i was going to do but i've never really been excited about it. mostly because i hate being an accountant. i'm not good at it. i don't care about it enough to ever be good at it.

i can read a book and tell you intimate details. i can hear some one's story and be compelled to help in the most complete way. but i can't remember details of tax law or GAAP. i just don't care about it and that makes it hard to learn it and even harder to be good at it.

so once again mr wonderful pulls through and says why don't you see about starting over. is there anything you have always wanted to do but were too scared to try?

so i'm going to go back to school for my bsn. i can't wait. i can't tell you how excited i am and how good it would be to go to work and feel like i'm making a difference. i know it might be nights or weekends or blood and guts (i was an emt, i can handle the blood and guts, don't you worry) but it really feels like this is what i want to do.

honestly the reason i haven't done it sooner was because i hate science. not completely, but it scares me a lot. it's so much memorizing. i forget my shoes sometimes. i've been known to walk out the door in my slippers. so memorizing is not exciting but it's part of the learning and i'm excited to try. to try my hardest.

so why am i sick?

i have no job. (duh, like you didn't know that) and with no job means no money. i get unemployment and that is used to pay my cell phone (which i'm tempted to cancel), my car payment (which is a loan i had to take out to pay for my divorce and my car was my collateral), my health insurance (which is $200/month since it's on my own) and all the food for our house (that's the only money i pay towards living here, i agreed to pay for the food.) when we go out to eat, scott pays, i never eat out on my own unless we have a gift card. i don't buy myself new things. my mom gave me a gift card for my birthday that i had to use for new shoes because mine were falling apart and made my ankle bleed every time i wore them. i just try to make it work and i try to not have to ask for help.

but i had to ask. my car insurance was due and i didn't have $500 to pay it. i was going to pay it just month to month but i wasn't sure how i would pay it once my unemployment ran out. so mr wonderful helped me. and now applying to school and getting things ready for that i've paid over $100 just to get enrolled. soon i'll have to pay tuition. it's so expensive.

i am sick because i had to ask for help.

i want to be independent. i want to do it on my own. i'm going to get a job to help pay bills until i start school and then i'll work part time. i'm going to do whatever i can to make this work and i don't want to rely on him completely but even having to ask for help makes me sick.