Whoa horsey!!!

I would like life to slow down... just a little bit.

The job/moving debate.

it's been agreed that i'll find a job first. if that's with mr. wonderful so be it. if it's an hour and a half from mr.wonderful so be it. then i got a job offer-ish. i'm in the final stages of interviewing with a company. it would be a promotion. more money. more responsibility. more set hours. more people my age to work with. new company. it's on the other side of town- about 45 mins away. it's a lot of pressure. i feel like i'd be setting myself up for failure. it's not what i want to do. but it would be a job. it would be staying in madtown and continuing our long distance relationship. it's not what i want. but a part of me feels like i have to take it. like i have to in order to not push my relationship along before it's ready. i'm so scared that whatever decision i make, i will soon think is a mistake.



on a lighter note. i spent the weekend with friends. i spent the night with some girlfriends and we got up at 4am to go craft shopping. this isn't just normal craft shopping, this is the Warrens Cranberry Festival.

If you don't like people, don't come to Cranberry Festival. We like people. We had a blast.

This is me with my friends Amanda, Jamie, and Melissa. I don't remember the last time I laughed as hard as I did Saturday with these girls. We were going on next to no sleep and we were shopping and we were all together. It was the perfect mix for a good day.

If you don't like walking, don't go to Cranberry Festival. We tried to avoid the HUGE crowd on all the main roads so we took this side street. However, it was one giant hill after another. Not sure if it was the best route, but it did avoid the crowds. After a hard day of shopping we went to a place that welcomed us with this. No we're not in Texas. But we went to cowboy heaven. It was fun. We continued the laughs and gossipping and the ridiculousness well into the evening. Ok so it was only like 6pm but remember, we'd been up since 4am!

As much as I love a cold beer... I decided Root Beer was a better idea. Gosh was it GOOD! I love me some root beer.

Mostly because I'm irresponsible... I decided a real beer was in order though for Saturday night. So I met up with some friends. This is my cousin and his girlfriend. They are super fun. We shared a couple beers together Saturday.

This is mr.wonderful and his brother in law. i'm not really sure what was going on but there was money, man-boobs, and some beer. i'm pretty sure it was ugly. (This was the first time i've seen/talked to "brother in law" in many many months... since sister started hating me. i miss him. we have been friends for YEARS!)mr.wonderful was not all about getting his picture taken with me. he doesn't love me. just kidding. he does.i have no idea what this was all about but they really wanted me to take this picture and it makes me laugh. that's my old neighbor, old classmate, and still my friend. mr.wonderful calls him the wee little man. he is pretty little.

monday i took a booze cruise with my team at work... or my old team i guess... around the lake. this was the view for most of the night. pretty nice. the food was really good, they had spotted cow, and i wasn't sitting home alone, so that was all good. i enjoyed myself. i think everyone else did too. in fact i over heard one gentleman claim he might have been slightly hungover this morning. that's a good work outing.

going through the big D!!!

I am no longer married.

I no longer have a husband and a boyfriend.

No longer am I attached, tied down, or suffocating.

My boyfriend allows me to stay free and breath on my own and I love this feeling.

I'm divorced.

For the rest of my life when people say, "Are you married?"

I get to reply with "Nope, divorced."

Well unless of course that Mr Wonderful makes me change my mind and we get married but even if I'm married again, I'll still be divorced at the same time, won't I?

yup.

I'm free.

pick up sticks

so i'm done crying about it... for now. i realized there isn't a whole lot that I can change about how things worked out. all i can do is try to pick myself up and move forward. one step at a time. i still don't know how i'm going to make this work but some how, i know that i have to.





so this weekend i decided to call an old friend. we went to the farmers market and furniture shopping. we ended the afternoon with these guys.

what a good idea. two old friends, laughing, taking nothing serious, getting pulled over for speeding but realizing the male cop enjoyed the "boob" shirt (no ticket for these girls), eating big, fat greasy burgers, and drinking beer. it was great.

after that mr wonderful and i went shopping... (ok so there's a small time in the middle of the drinking/laughing/thinking life isn't as bad as i thought- mr wonderful and i got into a disagreement. his sister whom hates me dictates his life and makes me feel like i'll never be a part of their family. we discussed how this made me feel and moved on... case closed... for now.) so we went shopping and got my favorite gourmet garlic chicken pizza for dinner and spent the early evening cuddled on the couch. then we met these guys for some drinks.

these guys are great. they are the cutest non-couple couple that i know. long story short they are going to get married and live happily ever after as soon as they get over the "i'm more stubborn then you" attitude and accept that they can love each other. they are seriously super cute and she's one of my bestest friends. we work (or maybe it's worked) together and i think i'm going to miss her more then she knows. i love that she can make me forget life's problems, sides with me when i need someone, and she listens. she's loyal and always up for a good time. she loves food (which is important in my friendships since eating is my favorite past time) and she's positive, relaxed, easy going, and she gets along with everyone. i love her. she's great. he's not so bad either. and he has adorable brown eyes. adorable.
mr wonderful tried to take away my problems. or at least let me forget about them for a few hours. he kept me smiling and he reminded me he loved me at any chance he got. he's wonderful. this weekend was also our first fight i guess. we were both drinking and i am very anti drinking and driving and very nervous about alcohol in general. deal was, i drink... he drives. an hour to go to bar time and i realized he's only had about 2 less beers then me. he couldn't drive. so i mentioned this fact to him. he found a low blow... something i probably deserved to hear, but it wasn't nice. i got sad. not really angry, just sad. he knew what he said would hurt me and he said it because he wanted to "win". he apologized as soon as he said it but it was a no take back comment. we talked in great length over it when we got home. i think it's good to have arguments once and awhile. it shows your true colors. i know he was sorry and accept his apology. maybe i shouldn't drink anymore, trouble seems to come of it.

sunday we had two birthday parties to attend. my niece and his best friends daughters. opposite directions. so i gave my niece her presents last weekend and we headed to milwaukee. the party was at a bowling alley and it was cute. she turned 5. the best part of the party was when his godson crawled over to have mr wonderful cuddle him while he fell asleep. here are some pictures of them cuddling.

they are both adorable. it confirmed that this guy is going to make an awesome daddy. kids love him. and he looks so sexy holding a little kid.
he doesn't even mind that his favorite hat was covered in spit and scrunched up into a tiny little ball. he rocked him to sleep eventually. it made me want to hug him and kiss him and never let him go.

i don't think he'll ever be able to get rid of me. i understand his fear of not being sure if he's ready for me to move in. it is soon. however, i feel maybe he's scared. he's never lived with a girl. i think maybe he's scared how it might change things. and it will change things. it'll change them a lot. some for the better, some for the worse. life's about taking risks and living each day to the fullest. i am ready for the challenge and i'm excited to start my future with mr wonderful. and at the same time... i'll never push him into changing his mind. i can wait forever for this man. i will wait as long as he needs. i want him to be ready, 100% and i want him to bring it up again. i want him to love me completely and forever and if living together might change that, then i'll live in my car if i have to. i don't want to ruin things with him. instead i'm going to look for jobs both here and up there. if he decides he wants me to move and come up there, i can accept that position. if i get an offer and he hasn't brought it up again, i turn down the offer.

i am not happy.

i am not sad.

i am not content.

i am just here.

when I mess up... I mess up good

i lost my job.

that's it. chalk up another one under the failure column. just another failure.

so what do i do now?

move an hour and a half north with mr wonderful?
right. after 4-5 months of dating. perfect idea. it's never going to be easier to move there. i can find someone to rent my apartment. i live there with him. get a job. live happily ever after.

but mr wonderful doesn't think so.

he's not ready.

he doesn't think i can be ready.

so what are my other options.

get a joke of a job to pay the bills for a few more month? give him time. give us time.

i don't want a joke of a job and barely scrape by. i want to live happy. i want to find something i can be happy doing. i don't want to force him into living with me and resent me for life because i forced him into it.

option two.
just fine a job here. a job i want. decide in a few months if we're going to live together. but i don't think i would be happy. i would want to be with him. i don't want a job "for now" and then quit and move when he's ready.

i hate my life.
i hate myself.
i'm ashamed.
i'm miserable.
i'm depressed.

i can't sleep. i feel like my arms and legs weight 700lbs... each. my heart breaks whenever i try to breath. my head hurts. i feel sick to my stomach.

my life is a mess. i'm a complete mess.

i feel like my only real option is to give up. give up on something wonderful. give up on the chance of there ever being an us. what other real option do i have?

i don't know what to do.

Weekend update

I haven't posted pictures this week and I love pictures. Here's a couple from last weekend...

FRIDAY:

Mr wonderful challenged some kids at this game... needless to say after like 8 hours of drinking and golfing, he lost.

This was also Friday... this is my little cuz. He's pretty much a 5 year old soccer prodigy.SATURDAY:

We went to a family wedding... my cousin got married. Here's a picture of me and my two sisters... the shortest is the oldest, tallest is the youngest. Oldest has blonde hair, youngest has dark hair. I'm pretty much meant to be in the middle. And here are pictures of me with each of my nephews and my niece. this is the little devil child. the youngest. those big brown eyes and that smile help him get away with pretty much everything.
And this was my date for the wedding. She's the oldest. Soon to be 12, in like 4ish days actually. She got a cell phone for her birthday. Lucky little kid. Love her... she's such a good kid. Running cross country this year and plays basketball all winter/summer. She's good too.
And then there's this little man. He's the middle child. Like me. Like me, he's got an attitude that can change at the drop of a hat. He's the family comedian and he loves sports and video games. Gosh, never knew how much him and I really have in common! Good kid.
SUNDAY:

I went shopping with my mom and sisters. (And the kids) This isn't something I normally do. If you've read any of this blog you know that I'm not always completely comfortable around my family. This day, for the most part, was a lot of fun though. Yes my little sister is touching her butt... she knew I was taking a picture. And can you see the devil nephew being carried/hauled away? That's T-bird for you.
I volunteered to sit in the way back of the mini van. (I hate mini vans for the record) I only did this because my rents have a two screen van for one and for two... these two kids crack me up! We were watching Alvin and the Chipmunks and the little one in the middle sings, says the lines before they do, and laughs before the punch lines. I love it.Overall I had a good weekend. I'm looking forward to this coming weekend. Hopefully I'll remember to take pictures. Planning on going out, hitting up the Farmer's Market, maybe dinner and movie, bowling, brunch... a fun staying close to home weekend!

one week

it's been
one week since you looked at me
cocked your head to the side and
"I'm sorry"

really though
in one week my life can start over
didn't it already start over?
aren't i already doing what I want to do?

sort of.
in one week though my divorce will be final.
i'll be free to forgive myself for a mistake i made.
i'll be free to love another man completely
and in one week
i'll be able to cut my ties.
my ex drinks.
a lot.
sometimes i forget how much it affected my life
i told him he needed to seek help.
he went to the bar.
i told him he needed to stop drinking.
he crashed his truck.
i told him he need to be careful.
he lost his licence.

he still drinks and drives no matter what i say. so i give up. i'm not harping anymore. i'm walking away. i said my peice. i told him how i feel. he knows i'm not ok with it and that's all i can do.

sometimes i worry about mr wonderful. he doesn't drink often and he's never made me feel bad when he has been drinking. (heck i drink... who am i say someone can't, right?) i just worry that he doesn't understand how scared i get when it comes to alcohol sometimes. it's a scary drug and it's everywhere and there are days i love it and then days i remember what it can do, and then i hate it. mr wonderful doesn't know what i've been through. he doesn't need to. i just need to remember that he isn't the person i was once married to, (thankfully!!!) and i can't punish him when there is nothing to be punished for.

i'm so glad that i have found mr wonderful though. that much i know. i don't like comparing him to my soon to be ex but i can't help but do it sometimes. like the drinking thing. or the fact mr wonderful has a life goal to someday visit all 50 states (ex hated to travel) or the fact mr wonderful makes sure he has enough clothes to go 2 weeks without having to do laundry (ex did it almost daily) or the fact mr wonderful loves when i lay on the couch with him all night and do nothing but maybe read a book or watch tv (ex couldn't even sit still long enough for a 2 hour movie - no lie) or the fact mr wonderful doesn't get upset or worked up about little things (ex would scream at me on the top of his lungs if i didn't do dishes right away or put gas in at the cheapest gas station) mr wonderful laughs when i lose things - which i do a lot (ex yelled - a lot) see it's just hard to not compare them

i love the easy going, goal orientated, caring, children wanting, cuddle bug, soft kisser that is mr wonderful. i want his scratchy chin to brush up against my cheek everyday. i want to run my fingers through his hair every night on the couch. i want to scratch his back in the chair every afternoon. i want to eat too much spaghetti and mexican food with him forever. i don't ever want to stop seeing that smile... the one that's too big for his face and goes all the way into his eyes. i love the way he loves children and dreams dreams that are too big. i love how he's never discouraged and his anger passes by him in quick bursts. i'll never get used to his soft hands holding my face and his perfect lips whispering "i love you" whenever i'm sad or upset. he's amazing. i don't want to lose amazing.

sure there will be days i'll get annoyed at the hairs left over in the tub or the crusty pizza sauce on the counter or gosh the way he uses his clean boxers to clean out his ears in the mornings. but right now those things are cute. those are things that make him HIM and since I love all of him, i love those things.

sometimes i find myself watching this grown man playing video games or chasing the cat or talking about kids and i realize i love him because he is genuinely a good person. he doesn't try to be someone he can't be. he won't pretend because he doesn't know how. he only knows how to be him. i love that. he doesn't give that up to be with me.

i really need to stop because it makes me miss him.

so in conclusion, like i'm writing a high school term paper or something...

i'm free in a week to love a man that deserves my love entirely. without reservations. so that's what he'll get.

i'm ready to accept my mistakes and move to the future. i'm hopful and positive that this is the way my life was supposed to be.

i love babies!

i have pictures to post from the weekend but i'm at work and just wanted to get this out before i forget! my friend A-bomber had her baby today!!!

a baby girl and i might be spelling this wrong but i think it's Brigitta Margaret. i love it.

i need to go pick up a bottle of Bombay Sapphire to take to her... 9 months is a long time to go without drinking!

i'm so excited to see the new little baby and the not so prego A-bomber. she was a trooper with this one... i'm so happy for the new family. (they also have a son who is super cute with the most adorable blonde curls ... he'll be a good big bro.)

paaaarrrrrttttAAAAyyyy

Last weekend I had a bridal shower followed by a bachelorette party for my friend Stephanie. Stephanie and I met when I lived with her fiance. He was dating another girl whom i was NOT a fan of. So when Steph drunkenly confessed her love for him I decided it was time to work my magic. And that I did. I blatantly told AJ... it's Steph or nothing. And he listened. Above is are pictures of the bridesmaids and the bride-to-be. (Does that make us bridesmaids-to-be?) I know they are going to be happy. I do believe in happily ever after, remember? they have the cutest little dog named stella too... that helps keep them happy.
This is a picture of Mel & I. I hadn't seen her in awhile and she's lost some major weight. It was great to see her again... I wasn't so excited about it going into the night (her and I haven't always seen eye to eye) but I realized like all things, she's changed over time. Maybe we can be friends again? I'm not sure, but I'd be willing to check it out a little bit. She has such a big heart. I think a big reason her and I never got along all that well was because she's always been so much more grown up then me. I'm a little bit on the immature side of life. ok a lot of bit.

I think something I'm realizing is that friends change and evolve. Sure, there are friends that will there no matter what. The ones you call when things go wrong and the ones you miss like crazy when you don't see very often. But there are also friends that just drift. Not on purpose or for any reason. And yea, you still say hi and it's always good to see them, but they aren't forever friends. I think it's important to keep forever friends close and accept that other friends might drift away.
um I think the only way to describe this picture is trashed. This was only moments before I lost my dinner. Yea, i think the last time I made it to that point was about 5 years ago. A drunken night in college hanging out with my friend So Co. So Co and I are no longer friends. I think after Saturday... no alcohol is my friend. I'll stick to beer. That at least makes me feel full before I lose things, like my dinner. Oh and funny story... so I guess I was laying on the sidewalk (shortly before this picture I think) talking to Mr Wonderful and I was being very dirty. lol I laughed really hard when he told me the story the next morning. And speaking of the next morning, I got up at the hotel at around 6:30 STARVING. There were about 9 or 10 people sleeping so I snuck out to get McDonalds and then drove the 45 mins home. When I got home around 8ish... guess who was in my shower. Mr Wonderful. I love him. It was such a nice way to finish off a great weekend. Granted I slept away most of the day, it was still amazing that every time I opened my eyes, I got to see him. He makes me happy.
And this my friends is why I lost my dinner. I may or may not, depending who you ask, drank about 3 or 4 of these... they aren't small and they tasted like pure alcohol. BAD IDEA but lots of fun!!!
Just another fun picture of the night. I was still semi-sober at this point. It was at this bar that I yelled repeatedly at a bachelor from a bachelor party we met because he was getting married on Oct 4th, the day the badgers play Ohio state. who plans a wedding for football season anyway??!?!?!?

gosh that was a fun night.

the labor-less weekend

This past weekend we went to the Badger game. My sister, poppa M, and my nephew R all met Mr. Wonderful for the first time. He's pretty much amazing. I hope they thought so too. And if they didn't, hate to break it to you... but I don't think it's going to change how much I love him. He's wonderful, what's not to love? Notice the Bucky Badger(s) on our shirts... we're clever. He's cute.

Post Badger game we took the scenic route home and landed in a typical Wisconsin small town. Complete with a trailer park. We decided we'd set up camp at such trailer park. Here we are posing in front of out future home. yea, stopped at a bar, ran across the street to snap pictures, we're cool.
Sunday and Monday was spent being lazy. I LOVE lazy weekends. Ok so we were semi productive; laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the tailgating supplies, reading, napping... We also went for more walks. Walking with Mr Wonderful is becoming my favorite past time. Sometimes we walk in silence holding hands. Then our hands start to sweat too much so instead we talk. We talk about our future. We name our unborn children. I think Mr Wonderful likes to test my easy going-ness. Little does he know, I don't think it's a name that makes a person but truly what's inside so if we have a little boy and name him Auggie, I'll love him no matter what. And between you and me, I sort of like Auggie. Sometimes we talk about things a little more important, like our immediate future. Sure we both want to live together... then where? how will we split finances? (i hate money... he can deal with it.) are we going to get two dogs or one? before we have children or after? how long until we get to have kids? (Notice it's not if... it's when.) how do we tell our families we love each other? is love going to be enough?
Mr Wonderful understands my point of view on marriage. Doesn't agree with them, but understands then. Often when we're walking I stare up at him with the giant lake as the background and i start to think about how much he's going to miss out on by being with me forever. what if i can't ever change my mind to get married? he deserves a wife. what if his sister never forgives us? he deserves his family by his side. but then he looks down at me and he smiles or he gives me a quick kiss on the lips and looks me in the eyes and tells me he loves me and i can't think of anything else besides him. just him. for the rest of forever.

my point of view on marriage... i don't even know how to explain it. every time i try i get all jumbled up and i can't put it into words. i think marriage changes everything. it's not just a piece of paper. sure it's not like a lightning bolt comes from the sky and strikes you and ruins the rest of your life. i think marriage is an amazing thing. it's the perfect way to spend your life with someone. but it does change things. when you're married and you fight, you feel trapped. you don't feel like you can walk away for a day and come back and work things out. it's a here and now. deal with it. you're mad... too bad, i'm your husband and you can't be mad for long. you want to go shopping, too bad, i'm your husband and all your money is now mine. you lose your ability to breath. it's suffocating and it's scary. every time i think about marriage i think about all the people i hurt when mine didn't work. i tried. i told myself to make it work. i tried to make it work. but it didn't. my husband is a good person. he just wasn't for me. what if i took 10 years to figure that out instead of 2? would it have been ok for me to walk away then? if i had been miserable for 8 years extra? i don't know. i don't know how long it takes to figure out that someone is going to make you happy FOREVER and i don't want to know what it feels like to hurt someone that way again if it does happen. no one goes into a marriage thinking there's no way this will work. we all believe in happy endings. even me. so yes, i want to try forever with Mr Wonderful but i don't want to try marriage. not yet anyway. maybe someday. does that make me a bad person? probably.

Update on my dog... Savanah is better. they say she's not out of the woods yet but she's better. she's got a spot on her leg where they shaved her for her iv and some bruises on her butt and scrapes on her nose. she sleeps alot. she's not happy go lucky all the time. but you wouldn't be either if you had to sleep in a kennel instead of a nice soft bed and people were poking you all night. she has liver disease. we were told she may live a long happy life or she may die at a moments notice. that's the thing with liver disease... no one knows. for right now, i'm just going to love her and hug her any chance i get.