when I mess up... I mess up good

i lost my job.

that's it. chalk up another one under the failure column. just another failure.

so what do i do now?

move an hour and a half north with mr wonderful?
right. after 4-5 months of dating. perfect idea. it's never going to be easier to move there. i can find someone to rent my apartment. i live there with him. get a job. live happily ever after.

but mr wonderful doesn't think so.

he's not ready.

he doesn't think i can be ready.

so what are my other options.

get a joke of a job to pay the bills for a few more month? give him time. give us time.

i don't want a joke of a job and barely scrape by. i want to live happy. i want to find something i can be happy doing. i don't want to force him into living with me and resent me for life because i forced him into it.

option two.
just fine a job here. a job i want. decide in a few months if we're going to live together. but i don't think i would be happy. i would want to be with him. i don't want a job "for now" and then quit and move when he's ready.

i hate my life.
i hate myself.
i'm ashamed.
i'm miserable.
i'm depressed.

i can't sleep. i feel like my arms and legs weight 700lbs... each. my heart breaks whenever i try to breath. my head hurts. i feel sick to my stomach.

my life is a mess. i'm a complete mess.

i feel like my only real option is to give up. give up on something wonderful. give up on the chance of there ever being an us. what other real option do i have?

i don't know what to do.