one week

it's been
one week since you looked at me
cocked your head to the side and
"I'm sorry"

really though
in one week my life can start over
didn't it already start over?
aren't i already doing what I want to do?

sort of.
in one week though my divorce will be final.
i'll be free to forgive myself for a mistake i made.
i'll be free to love another man completely
and in one week
i'll be able to cut my ties.
my ex drinks.
a lot.
sometimes i forget how much it affected my life
i told him he needed to seek help.
he went to the bar.
i told him he needed to stop drinking.
he crashed his truck.
i told him he need to be careful.
he lost his licence.

he still drinks and drives no matter what i say. so i give up. i'm not harping anymore. i'm walking away. i said my peice. i told him how i feel. he knows i'm not ok with it and that's all i can do.

sometimes i worry about mr wonderful. he doesn't drink often and he's never made me feel bad when he has been drinking. (heck i drink... who am i say someone can't, right?) i just worry that he doesn't understand how scared i get when it comes to alcohol sometimes. it's a scary drug and it's everywhere and there are days i love it and then days i remember what it can do, and then i hate it. mr wonderful doesn't know what i've been through. he doesn't need to. i just need to remember that he isn't the person i was once married to, (thankfully!!!) and i can't punish him when there is nothing to be punished for.

i'm so glad that i have found mr wonderful though. that much i know. i don't like comparing him to my soon to be ex but i can't help but do it sometimes. like the drinking thing. or the fact mr wonderful has a life goal to someday visit all 50 states (ex hated to travel) or the fact mr wonderful makes sure he has enough clothes to go 2 weeks without having to do laundry (ex did it almost daily) or the fact mr wonderful loves when i lay on the couch with him all night and do nothing but maybe read a book or watch tv (ex couldn't even sit still long enough for a 2 hour movie - no lie) or the fact mr wonderful doesn't get upset or worked up about little things (ex would scream at me on the top of his lungs if i didn't do dishes right away or put gas in at the cheapest gas station) mr wonderful laughs when i lose things - which i do a lot (ex yelled - a lot) see it's just hard to not compare them

i love the easy going, goal orientated, caring, children wanting, cuddle bug, soft kisser that is mr wonderful. i want his scratchy chin to brush up against my cheek everyday. i want to run my fingers through his hair every night on the couch. i want to scratch his back in the chair every afternoon. i want to eat too much spaghetti and mexican food with him forever. i don't ever want to stop seeing that smile... the one that's too big for his face and goes all the way into his eyes. i love the way he loves children and dreams dreams that are too big. i love how he's never discouraged and his anger passes by him in quick bursts. i'll never get used to his soft hands holding my face and his perfect lips whispering "i love you" whenever i'm sad or upset. he's amazing. i don't want to lose amazing.

sure there will be days i'll get annoyed at the hairs left over in the tub or the crusty pizza sauce on the counter or gosh the way he uses his clean boxers to clean out his ears in the mornings. but right now those things are cute. those are things that make him HIM and since I love all of him, i love those things.

sometimes i find myself watching this grown man playing video games or chasing the cat or talking about kids and i realize i love him because he is genuinely a good person. he doesn't try to be someone he can't be. he won't pretend because he doesn't know how. he only knows how to be him. i love that. he doesn't give that up to be with me.

i really need to stop because it makes me miss him.

so in conclusion, like i'm writing a high school term paper or something...

i'm free in a week to love a man that deserves my love entirely. without reservations. so that's what he'll get.

i'm ready to accept my mistakes and move to the future. i'm hopful and positive that this is the way my life was supposed to be.