It's been awhile since I've posted, sorry about that. Let's see, what happened in November?

Well here is Percy playing with Scott's Christmas gift. Because he is soooo not a rough and tough get dirty kind of boy... he thought having to snow blow was probably his only chance of ever owning Carhart bibs and jacket, so I bought him some for christmas. I had to have him try them on and pick them out so he got them like a month early. Ok a month and a half but who's counting?

Mid November was the last home Badger game of the season. We had a BLAST. I think there were like 12 of us tailgating. 5 of us didn't even go to the game. We didn't buy tickets, we just drank, ate, and laughed- A LOT to all three. It was great to see old friends... I love how there are some friends that no matter how long goes by since you've seen each other last, it feels like a couple days. That's Melissa. She's just that kind of friend.
One day in November the sun was shining and the temperature was rising, so Mr Wonderful got the wonderful idea of driving an hour north for Sonic. Yea we drove an hour for fast food. Laugh all you want, it was TASTY! On our way back we took a detour and we drove past scott's work. He's a production planner which, as I understand it, is a fancy way of saying he tells the people in the factories what to build and when.

The night before Thanksgiving we went to my parents and hung out with my niece and two nephews. Below is them weighing Scott's head. Long story but basically we learned Scott's head is empty. :)

Thanksgiving was good. Had lunch at my grandparents and saw lots of family. Then we went to "dessert" at Scott's aunt's and visited with all his family. That evening we sat around his parents table with his mom and older sister and just talked. It was so relaxing. Then Friday we had Bradley Family Fun Night. We made taco-ish stuff and all the fixings and then played board games all night. My family can make me laugh!!

So that's pretty much what we've been up to. That was November in a nutshell.

so i'm ready for a baby. not like tomorrow, i just mean, sometime. when it happens, i will be VERY excited. we're not trying...we are still very much trying to NOT have a baby... i'm just saying that when we have a baby, we are both emotionally ready.

we've picked out names. we've discussed moving furniture around to accommodate. we've even already discussed decorations. we practice keeping each other awake at night... scott likes to cough for hours at a time making sure i am fully awake before stopping. i tend to take the more suttle approach... pulling his pillow out from under his head to make him stop snoring. both very successful in keeping sleep to a minimum.

sure i'm nervous about feedings and discipline and potty training. and what if we feed our kids the wrong food and because of it they end up stupid or an underachiever. but dude... mr "wonderful" likes to pick his nose and he's an "adult". how much hope is there really for our children?

oh my gosh and know what i can't wait for. i can't wait for the day that our son or daughter can beat him in a game of HORSE. seriously. scott is a no mercy player at all things. eating, he doesn't back down... he'll eat more then you on principal. wii games... whether you're new to the game or 5 years old, he isn't losing gracefully. the boy is competitive. so when our child can beat him at HORSE, it will be a big day in our home.

however i read something today that i had never thought about.

when a baby is... well a baby... it's easy to wait for them. it's understandable you can't force a child to learn to crawl, to learn to walk, to learn to go potty in the appropriate places. it's all on their time frame. but waiting doesn't end when they are 3... or 4... or 14... or 24. forever you must wait for your child to be ready and then support them when they need it. you don't get to pick how well your children learn. you don't get to pick their friends. you don't get to pick their college. you just have to direct them and hope they follow the path you've set out. and what about the times there is not path? the times they have to look at all the choices and just take a leap of faith. do parents really hold their breaths from the day their babies are born until the day they inevitably die? (the parents, not the baby because i refuse to think i will out live my unborn children.)

makes me think about my parents. my mom and dad paved roads for me all throughout my life. a few times i've actually followed the road, but mostly, i've made my own. more often then not i knew what they wanted, but i didn't follow. i didn't listen. they never would have "picked" the life i've lived for their child. i know they love me. they have always supported me, even if sometimes i know they had their eyes closed. how hard that must be for them knowing everyday that there is nothing they can do to make me do things. how hard that is for me to think that i have let them down.

and on the same note... how proud of myself am i that i made it out the other side. from ages 12-16 my parents probably wanted a due over. they were probably ready to give me away. but they stuck it out. then again from 22-27 i am sure they weren't overly proud of excited. but they loved me. i can honestly say that i have never wondered if they love me. there were days i wasn't sure if they ever wanted to speak to me again, or maybe that i knew i had hurt them so badly that they SHOULDN'T want to speak to me again, but i always knew my parents loved me. my dad and i used to scream at each other. (we are too much alike in so many ways... it's not our fault.) but even as my scrawny 13 year old body heaved out how much i hated him, i know he never believed me.

so yea, that's my big i want a baby... i think... post.

oh and can i just tell you how excited i am to see scott hold a tiny itty bitty baby in his arms. not jsut A baby... OUR baby. that man is going to be the best daddy ever. i can't wait for the day i get to watch his eyes when he becomes a daddy. i think his heart may explode because that man is so full of love and compasion.

i guess that's why i love him so much.

i don't iron.

last night we had to iron some work shirts for the mr.

we were on opposite sides of the ironing board making our best attempt at ironing and out of no where he reached across, grabbed my face, and kissed me.

then he smiled a huge giant smile.

i don't mind ironing so much anymore.

last night we went to see couples retreat. (funny movie) before the movie started we were sitting in the theater watching the previews and i started to smile. not because it was a funny preview or anything. not because my popcorn was super tasty... even though it was. just because i was happy.

really happy.

we spent the entire weekend trying to find the fine line between super uper laziness and somewhat productive. with days off of work to burn, mr wonderful... ahhh he is pretty wonderful... and i had friday, saturday, sunday, and still tomorrow (monday) to spend together. i'm on fall break from school so although i have projects up the you know what to finish, for the most part... it was just the two of us hanging out.

friday is rained and it rained hard, all day. yuck. we went out to lunch and go some stuff done but then we came home and spent the day laying around cuddling and watching tv and playing on the computer. it was so relaxing. saturday we got up and got tons of stuff done outside. we pulled out three giant bushes in our backyard (i'll have to get a picture, it looks so bare) and then we made 5 trips to the "recycling center" - it's basically a dumping ground for leaves and sticks. we raked a little but most of our leaves haven't fallen yet. then we went to the movie. it was so nice. i love just doing normal things with him. then today we were lazy!!! we watched the packers and we laid around until like 3. it was so nice. although at one point he had to burst my little bubble in thinking that it would always be this way... nice lazy fall afternoons. he said something on the lines of "don't get used to this, when we have a kid, lazy afternoons are over!" having a baby with him is something i want, really bad and something he wants probably even more... but seriously. we may be too of the laziest human beings known to man. :) ok maybe not that lazy. So we got up and washed outside windows, mowed lawn, and vacuumed out the car.

see, sort of lazy, sort of productive. we like to spread out productivity out over time. :)

so yea, i'm happy. really really happy. even when i'm sad or upset about school or his family or money or whatever else seems to bother me, when it comes to him and i, i am always smiling.

i like smiling.

Donald Miller: Million Miles Tour

Donald Miller: Million Miles Tour

If I wasn't in school right now, I'd be reading this book. I have a week off school at the end of October and although I have 4 BIG projects that I need to work on during that time... maybe I'll try to get my hands on this book...

Here is Scott's nephew Cooper. He was over last Sunday helping with the gardening. It was a stressful day but this little dude didn't seem to notice. Gosh how good it would feel to be a kid again.

Here Scott and him are watering the front planter. I'm fairly certain Scott loves Cooper more then anyone else on this planet. (Including me.) :)
Ok so I am not a baker and in no way shape or form try to pretend to be one. However, Scott has won his football pool at work numerous times already and so they told him he has to bring in a treat. Well I took it upon myself to bake. Sure I could have got a kingle at the store or sent some donuts but nope... I did the "wifely" duty and baked for him.

Once i got started I remembered I don't own a rolling pin. So I used a vase instead. And at the last min I found a pumpkin cookie cutter that I forgot to use. That's how good of a baker I am.

I made there. They are supposed to look like pumpkins, mine just look like blobs of pumpkin pie filling. However... they are TASTY! I may or may not have sampled a few. I mean one. Yea I had one. ;)

I don't know how to flip this picture but this was the finished product. Yea, so they aren't SUPER cute or anything but dude, I don't bake, cut me some slack. It was actually REALLY fun and for some reason, I think I might make them again sometime. Gosh I'm an idiot for even thinking that.

Ok I guess I should get back to school work now. That was a fun distraction though! And a tasty one!

You can't change how others act. You can only change yourself.

How much faith can you put into those you love? How much hurt can you take for happiness?

My life hasn't always been roses and sunshine. But lately, it has been tulips and daisies. Lately things have been going right. Been going good actually. I've re bonded with my family, something I wasn't sure I would ever do. I've learned to not take them for granted and to remind them when I can, how much they mean to me. I've found love. In an unexpected place, but I found it. The love I've found is real and pure and it's the greatest feeling.

But I've also found hatred. I've also found that just because I'm happy, doesn't mean everyone is happy. That there are people that don't embrace my happiness or the love I feel.

Mr Wonderful's family isn't so wonderful. Wait, they are. I guess that's what hurts. They are good people. His sister who's dislike for me runs deep. His mother who's torn down the middle. His father who says little. They are good people. They have big hearts. But they don't care to share them with me. It's hard to stand. It's hard to sit at the table during dinner and be the only one not spoken to. To be at your "home" and be treated like you've never been there before. To not have an opinion on your own life. It's hard.

I love him. I love him with my whole heart. It I lost him, I wouldn't love again. I know that in my soul, he's my everything. I know that he wants to love me. That when we're just the two of us, he tells me a million times that he loves me. He kisses me so softly and he squeezes so tight a hundred times a day. When we're with my family, he interacts with them, he loves them and he's so comfortable around them. When we are out with friends we separate but are always catching each others eyes and smiling. Even across the room I can hear him, he loves me.

Then there is his family. When we are with them he shuts down. He closes up. He pushes me out. It's as if he's too scared to let them know. He doesn't stand up for me, for us. He doesn't stand up for himself. He just takes it. When they say mean things to me, he doesn't hear. When they exclude me, he doesn't notice. They treat him like the prince he is. They talk to him. Ask him questions. Show them they love and support him in everything he does, except me.

It's hard. They are such good people.

He makes me so happy most of the time.

They don't hurt me, he does.

When I am alone surrounded by his family, it hurts beyond words. I feel like someone crushed my insides. It's hard to breath. It's hard to stay up right. It's hard to feel anything but hurt and sadness.

Are a few days a year worth many days in a year of extreme love and happiness? Can't I have it all? How do I trust that things will change when he tells me they will? How do I forgive for the past and trust for the future? How much do I take before I give up? Will anything ever change? Can I be forever with a man who's family hates me?

I love you Mr Wonderful. I can't turn that off.

i have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something isn't right.

i feel like i'm being burnt from the inside out.

i wonder how long i can stand it before it's out of control.

it was a long weekend.

i hope to put it all behind me.

i hope that when the dust settles, we're still standing.

i know the only thing i've never doubted is my love for him

i think he feels the same way.

i hope i'm right.

ahhh... survived cranfest 09. i'd post all the wonderful pictures of the event, but i didn't take any. i wanted a picture of the four of us but no one would cooperate. Ok mainly amanda wouldn't but either way. it was a fun weekend and it was really nice to see the girls again.
distance makes the heart grow fonder or something on those lines... is very true. the longer i go between seeing them, the more i realize i missed them.

this coming weekend is my cousin's fiances' bachelorette party. should be a good time. i'm definitely looking forward to it.

other then that, i have an exam in biochem tomorrow and one in A&P on wednesday so i've been studying pretty hard today. weekends are my free time. no matter how much studying i SHOULD do, i don't. it's just a thing with me. no studying on weekends. it's how i roll.

well back to it. peace out.

I know I've been gone for awhile but I guess since no one reads this anyway... I wasn't in a hurry to make time to write.

School is in full force. I'm so busy and studying so hard that I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to ever get through nursing school. However, at the same time, I am loving it. I really hope that I am able to not only pass all my classes but more importantly, I hope that I am a good nurse. I am excited to try!

Football season is also in full force. I love Badger football games. Scott and I went to the first three games and now I'm taking this weekend off. He's taking his good friend from college. It should be a good time. I won't be around so I hope they don't do anything too crazy! :)

My entire family went to a Badger game this year... well all except Tbird. He is only 5 so having him sit still for an entire football game was iffy. That and it's sort of expensive when my sister has to buy 5 tickets so she went for 4 this year.

Going back to Cranfest this weekend with the girlfriends. I can't wait. There are four of us going again this year and we got a hotel room so we can shop all day and then crash in the hot tub all night. It's been a long time since I've had a girls weekend so it should be fun. I am looking forward to it! No school work for 3 whole days!

Well I should get dressed and finish packing. Yes, I'm still alive if anyone was concerned.

to my mr wonderful

i woke up this morning looking forward to the warmth of the sunshine.
tomorrow i'll wish it was winter.

i love beer, hot dogs, pizza and french fries.
nothing makes me happier then a glass of white wine and elegant seafood.

my favorite dates involve a night in cuddling on the couch.
eating out with the love of my life makes me smile for days.

some afternoons i find nothing more relaxing then a good book.
television and movies are my guilty pleasure.

doing a jig to eric church and george strait makes me giggle.
swaying to the acoustic guitar engulfs me in pride.

a night out in heals and low cut tops make me feel sexy.
i'm never more comfortable then when i'm lounging in sweats and a tshirt.

some days i'd prefer a gentle kiss and hug.
others it's hand holding.

everyday, i love you with all of my heart.
everyday, i know it's you i want to be with.
everyday, i feel completely me when i'm with you.
everyday, i spend with you is the best day of my life.

i'm sitting here trying to be distracted. today is the day scott is going to the farm deal with his family that i was NOT invited to.

i've cried over it, a lot, in the last two days. do you know what it feels like to be HATED by people you just want to accept you? probably not. most adults tolerate people. they encourage loved ones to be happy. not the case with scott's sister. hate might not even begin to describe how she really feels about me.

anyway, scott left at 7 this morning. got there around 8:30ish. found out they weren't going to the function until 10:30. awesome. sort of sucks for me because he's never home when i am, so it would have been fun to have breakfast together and have him see me off to school. i was done with school by 9:15 this morning. had he waited for me, we could have been there in plenty of time.

instead because i didn't want to sit home and cry all day, i decided to take my final a day early. however, as soon as i sat down with the 50 questions in front of me, all i could picture was his mom taking pictures of him and his sister. him laughing and having the time of his life. him realizing what he's missing by having me in his life. all i could do was cry. i stumbled through it and if I got a C, I'll be amazed. There goes the A I had in the class. I'm very confident I didn't ace the class.

so i cried all the way home. i cried for an hour just sitting here staring at the wall. i realized it's not just not being invited to this stupid thing. it's the very real fear of losing someone i love because of things that are completely out of my control. it's pent up anger and hurt from the last year and a half. it's wondering how to move forward and if i have the strength to do it.

to distract myself i cleaned. i moved furniture, i vacuumed, i dusted, i mopped floors, i wiped down the bathroom, i did dishes, i did laundry. i cleaned and i HATE cleaning. it helped for like an hour or two. now it's 3pm and i'm waiting. i'm waiting for him to call to say he won't be coming home, ever. to say he's staying there to eat with his family. i'm waiting for him to say he doesn't love me.

i spend 10 hours a day alone almost everyday. days i have school it's only 7 hours. i'm sick of being alone. i'm sick of feeling alone.

i'm such a baby and i can't figure out how to change it.

i'm so sick of this still being an issue. i'm trying so hard to not complain and i'm trying so hard to stay strong about this. scott's family is going to a function tomorrow all day. it was made VERY clear that i was not invited. it's something scott's wanted to go to for a long time. he tried to work it out around my school so that i could go with. however, again, it was made clear that i wasn't welcomed to join the family.

i can't even begin to discribe how bad it hurts. i understand his mom is trying to do what her daughter wants. that she's standing up for her. but no one stands up for me. it's the most lonely feeling ever. i never imagined i could love someone so much that i'm willing to put myself through this over and over again. it's 7:30 in the morning and i sit here crying over his family.

how can we be forever if this is constantly looming over us? how long can i stand to be on the outside of everything they do? i know scott and his sister will be like best buds. i'll be completely forgotten. there will be pictures of them together and laughing and they'll have such a good time and he deserves that. he deserves to go and be with his family. it's not right that i make him choose. i get that. but how long can i stand being on the outside looking in. i hate to see the pictures, but believe me, they'll show me. it's like i'm the reason. it's all my fault. i'm the selfish one who's making this happen. but i'm not. i just want them to stand me. they don't even have to like me, but just stand me.

i have school in a few mins and i need to stop crying. i really do.

ugh. it's really hard to keep moving forward when i feel like i'm so alone. what is all this really for?

4th of July we had a wedding! It was a BLAST. Scott's cousin got married. It was BEAUTIFUL. It was outside right on the edge of a lake and the weather was wonderful and everyone looked so happy and in love. It was awesome. The reception was great. Good food, good music, and lots of beer.

Here's Mike and I tearing up the dance floor. (Mike is Scott's sister, Sarah's fiance)
For some reason our table was full of empty beer bottles. I just don't get it. Here's Scott, he was very proud of our "accomplishment".

Here's his sister Sarah and I dancing. Not sure why I look like a duck but I'm pretty sure this was all Michael Jackson folks!

I even danced to Beat It! with his dad!!!

I realized as I was uploading this is the only picture I got of the two of us. Darn. He was looking good though, that's for sure. I love this man. I think we may even have one of these of our own someday. A wedding I mean. It won't be a wedding like this... but we'll have one our own way.

I think.

Maybe.

It's possible.

His other sister still hates me. She didn't sit at the same table as us at dinner. She didn't talk to either of us. She kept her son away from us. She hates me. It sucks. It really does. I know she doesn't like Scott and I together. She felt I persuade him. She felt that I was going to break his heart. She felt that I used her to get to him. All of this is so far from the truth but after a year and a half, I can't defend myself anymore. She doesn't, and won't ever, understand that Scott and I didn't want to fall in love. We didn't want things to turn out the way they did. We hoped that by being friends we would be able to have each other in our lives and find happiness and just enjoy each other. But we did fall in love. I can't imagine where I'd be without him. I hate the wedge this has put between his family. Between him and I at times. Between his sister and her husband, who is/was friends with both Scott and I. Between our mutual friends. I hate it. I understand now that she's never going to forgive me for whatever it is she thinks I did wrong. There is probably more. There is probably something huge. But I promise you I don't understand it and I can't ever fix it because we haven't talked in over a year. Not more then maybe 5 words total. Yea. I just hope that someday she can be mad at me, and not let it affect everyone else. That she can sit at the table and eat dinner with us. That she can allow Scott and I to be a part of her sons life.

Will see come to our wedding? Will she see our children? Will her son be allowed to see our play with our children? Will her husband ever be allowed to be our friend again?

I wonder. Everyday. I wish I knew.

I just ran across this quote and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it...so I thought I'd share it with you!

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget." - Arundhati Roy

I know I haven't been around much lately so here's a quick update...

We went to the Brewer game for Scott's birthday a few weeks ago and it was a blast. It was just him, his parents, and I. It wasn't a good game, they lost... which they have been doing a lot of lately... but it was still fun. Had a tasty hotdog and a couple beers. Gotta love the Brewers! A few days later my friend bought her first house. So the night before we decided it was a good idea to go out and celebrate. Boy were we wrong. We were both so hung over that we didn't get much done but shopping the day of her closing. She's been there for two weeks now I think and she's still painting. We really should have gotten more done that day. oops. Here's a picture of us with our friend Dave on the roof. yea, we climbed on a roof at like 3 am. Not the smartest three people you'll ever meet.

Father's Day weekend we went and watched my nephew play in a Little League tournament. I think his team ended up winning three games and losing two. Not bad. I was very proud of him. He has a lot of potential. Here he is in his uniform. He's so adorable.

That same night I had my 10 year class reunion. I graduated with a class of 30 people and i think 13 or so showed up. So I guess that's not too bad. A few people that had left before our senior year came back too which was cool. Scott came and I'm so glad he did. We always have so much fun. That night we stayed up until 5 am just talking. It was great.

Other then that I'm REALLY busy with school. I'm trying to get an A in my Chemistry class which has been proven to be so much harder then I first thought. I have a 94% in there and we're exactly half way through. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. We have one exam a week for the next three weeks so I have to stay on top of my homework and what not.

I guess that's about it.

Peace out my homeys!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (tomorrow) MR WONDERFUL!!!!

Yup, the old man gets older tomorrow! I'm trying to make his birthday more then just another day... I mean seriously, if it weren't for his birthday, he'd never have been born and if he hadn't ever been born, I may have spent my entire life being a poopy face lonely fat chick! :)

Last weekend we went out in my hometown. We went home for a birthday party for our friend's boys. They were 5 and 2 and they are SOOO cute! Scott's best friend came from the "big city" and he enjoyed meeting real life cowboy Dave. haha Dave has been a good friend of mine for YEARS. We went to elementary school together. He now lives with my ex-husband but I would guess him and I talk more then he talks to his roommate. :) Here are the three of them in the bar. Yea, for some reason they were drinking 16 oz beers...

I gave him all his birthday gifts Sunday night. 1. I hate waiting to give people gifts. I like to give them out as soon as I buy them. I bought these over a span of two months so that I could actually afford them so I've been waiting a LONG time. 2. He needed some of them before his actual birthday.

I got him this sweet Moliter jersey.

And a matching Brewers hat and sweatshirt!

I also hot him a Ping golf hat that I just gave to him when he picked it out like a month ago. (He needed it to golf already this year, not my fault.) And I also got him a 50 min massage for tomorrow morning. I got him one for Valentine's Day and he LOVED it so I thought it would be a fun way to relax on his actual birthday. Tonight we're going to the Brewer game so he'll get to wear his new gear. Then he has off tomorrow and Friday so he has his massage tomorrow and a day full of laziness. Friday we're going to do some garden work, put together a deck chair we got like two months ago that's just sitting in the garage, test drive vehicles, and then go out to dinner. (We would go out on his actual birthday but he wants to lay around all day and he doesn't want to have to "get ready" for anything. haha Instead I'm going to grill steaks, make baked tators and get him a Dairy Queen birthday cake!)

I love birthdays and I love Scott. Pretty sweet weekend coming up.

On a scary note... I have my first chemistry exam tomorrow morning. I'll be up late at the game tonight and then I have my exam first thing tomorrow morning. Eek!

My baby sister got married. Here she is walking into the church... she was relaxed at least. I know it's a bad picture because it's so far away but this is the happy couple. They were both so relaxed all day it was awesome.
haha... this picture is my favorite. We took the bus bar hopping before the reception and we were playing the Crocodile, Crocodile... game but we couldn't remember the words so we just slapped each other and then yelled and laughed a lot. It was a good time.

Here is my entire family including Mr Wonderful. No really, he is wonderful. All day he told me how much fun he was having and how he loves my family and then all night he told me how happy he was to be there with me. He's pretty much the greatest thing ever.

My family is funny. The youngest is the tallest and the oldest is the shortest but the shortests' husband is the tallest. so basically my oldest sister's family is the extremes. oh but those kids of hers... THEY are cute!

i was a sweaty mess but here is a picture of us dancing. doesn't he just look happy?? i thought so too.

on a wedding side note... i've started to think that maybe marriage itself isn't all that bad. i feel like it changes things and there is no way around that but i think those same things change after 5 or 6 years anyway. i'm sure a spark will sizzle out from time to time but i know there will be more sparks. i don't like to say this because i don't regret my first marriage, but i wish i had known then what i know now. i may never have gotten married. then again i'm a pretty stubburn person and i don't like to be told what to do so i probably would have gone through with it anyway. and i did love him, just not the way i should have.

i wish i knew how good it feels to be completely yourself and know that you're loved. to look at someone and just get them. i may not know what he wanted to be when he was little... it was a truck driver or a farmer for the record... but i do know that he loves the badgers and brewers more then any professional football team. i know he likes desserts more then any meal. i know how he likes to be kissed and how he likes to have his arms around me when he sleeps. i know back scratches can get him to do almost anything and that he won't use a clippers to clip his finger nails. i know that when he looks at me and smiles he means it and that his kisses are genuine. i love how he lets me make desicions and always includes me input when he's making them. i love how he knows what bugs me so he avoids it if possible. how he kisses my forhead with the exact right amount of pressure and how his eyes sink when i get sick. i love everything about him.

i think i might be ok with marrying this man. shhh... don't tell anyone though. :)

This is my last day with Savanah. Here she is resting on the kitchen floor.
Here is my favorite boy and girl in the world. I love them sooooo much!

I have been doing more then just watching a dog sleep lately...

I've been diligently taking care of flowers. I HAVE NO GREEN THUMB! Do not for one second thing that I do. However, there are so many BEAUTIFUL gardens in the yard that Mr Wonderful and I decided this year we were going to do our best to care for them. (Last year, we didn't do much to them.) So last fall we planted tulips. Don't they look wonderful? Oh and we bought ourselves a new grill. Now we have a pretty red gas grill on our deck. It's like having flowers out... you can just sit and stare at it. No, we really do use it. Quite often actually. I love cooking a grill because there is practically NO CLEAN UP. Last night we have this cheesy sausage ring bologna wanna be thing and fried tators and onions in aluminum foil. AMAZING. Oh and we had salads but that doesn't require cooking anyway. All I had to do was throw our plates and stuff in the dishwasher and presto wham-o... a clean kitchen.

Not sure if I mentioned this but a few weekends ago we had my sister's 2nd bachelorette party. (That first was last Nov in VEGAS!) These are the last 5 standing. my sister is in the bright orange. The one in the polka dots is our cousins Sara, she's not in the wedding. The other three are me, cousin Ashley, and joey's cousin, Dana. The three of us ARE in the wedding.

Here's the entire group that went out for dinner at Pedro's, Pedro's Making Mexican... (You must sing that while you read it... it's the rule.)

The wedding is this coming weekend... only like 4ish days away! I can't wait!!!

Big weekend coming up. Friday we're getting pedi's and mani's. Then rehearsal and a cook out following at the park. Then Saturday is the big day... (I really need to write or at least think about the speech, being maid of honor is so hard). Sunday my friend is having a cancer benefit. She's 27 and has Stage III Breast Cancer. She's by far one of the most upbeat inspiring person I've ever in my entire life met. She's amazing. Anyway, we have that. Then Monday we have to get the cat from Scott's rents home and come back to dried out weeping flowers that will need my utmost attention.

whew... looking forward to what's to come...

DOGGY UPDATE!

No, she's not dead, she's napping. Having a dog is so elegant when all he does is looks cute and plays dead on the deck. I just tie her up in the yard and she lays here until I force her to come in. She loves it outside and I'm not sure why, she gets sun burns. No really, she does.

Last night we were going to bed so I wanted her to go into her kennel. I told her to go to her kennel and she ran to the back of the house. I assumed she went where she was told but oh no... she wanted a nice warm bath before bed. I think she was feeling a little stressed and wanted to relax. TOO BAD... SO SAD! It was cute though, she LOVES water.

Sunday we took her for a nice LONG walk down by the lake to help tire her out. We were walking along the bike path like normal people but every time we came to a set of stairs leading to the beach she sniffed down them and then looked at us like "Come on guys, there's water down there. I'm not scared of water, I'm a big girl." So eventually we gave in. We just walked along the edge of the water and she's tip-toe in once and awhile and out of no where... she took off into the water with all her energy. She ran back out and was going crazy. Running around kicking up dirt like she was born to. Then she went back to the edge to get a drink. When her head was down a wave came and completely covered her head. She didn't care. She just ran deeper in the water. She went in and out for probably 15 mins and she LOVED it. We had to quite literally DRAG her back to the walking path. She got a nice warm bath when we got home and she was sleeping within mins. What a perfect solution to high energy.

This is where I usually sit during the day. I watch the shows we recorded from the night before and catch up on Sports Center or the news. Not this week. She's taken over. If she's not in the most comfortable chair in the house...

She's taking up half the couch. She's good about staying on her blankets but dude... can you share some of the comfy resting spots?

I LOVE HER and it's been GREAT having her here.

Do you remember her? She's the most precious being in all of the land. She's my Princess Savanah. She's coming to stay with me for a week. She's coming Saturday night and then she'll be here through next Thursday. I can't wait. I have a feeling after like two days I'll be ready to ship her back but for now, I'm really excited. I haven't had a dog around for over a year. I relinquished my rights over a year ago. She was my daughter, I turned my back on her, and now I get a second chance.

ok so it's really not that serious but i am excited to see her again. i hope she lets me sleep and i hope she doesn't run away. or chew on scott's shoes. those are my big concerns. oh and i hope she doesn't pee in the house. yea, that would be bad. having a dog leaves all sorts of possibilities for bad things....

we took the cat to Grandma and Grandpa's on Sunday. she has to go to the vet and get shots and we figured since the dog was going to be here anyway, she might as well go play with the worlds fattiest and laziest cats ever born. we got a report from g-ma she's doing good and is very friendly. i miss her like crazy and i can't wait for her to come home. but again, i'm also very excited to have savanah visiting.

that's it. that's all i have to say. dogs. cats. what has my life come to?

i've been trying to blog all day but blogger hates me... do you blame it? no, me either. but it's a good day and so many days are not good days so i wanted to write.

i wanted to write about how happy i am to be starting school in two weeks and then more permanently in a month. how happy i am that i am nervous. i mean weird, right? but nervous in a good way. in a "I hope I can handle the pressure and I'm ready to find out" way. and although the sun isn't shining today and there are lots of clouds out, it's finally getting warm on a continuous basis. and warm in wisconsin is hard to come by so i want to welcome it with smiles and laughter. i wanted to write how happy i am for my little sister and her most perfect fiance on finally selling their old h0use and buying one closer to their jobs. and how excited i am for them to be able to spend tonight, their first night in their new house, together. how they don't have to live with my parents anymore. and how happy i am that tomorrow we are celebrating said house, her birthday, and her upcoming wedding with a bachelorette party and booze and laughter. AND most of all, i want to write about me. just me. i wanted to let everyone know (even thought no one reads this but they would read this if they had the time and knew it was out there and if i wanted them to, which i'm not sure i do but if you do read this you can tell me. i'd love to hear from you.) i wanted to tell all those people (which is a lot) that it's been almost one year ago that i walked away from my marriage. it was almost one year ago that i stood on my own two feet and i looked christopher in the eyes and said i couldn't do it anymore. ok it was more then a year ago that i did that but almost a year since it was in writing and the courts. it was a scary, lonely time and i hurt someone i loved but in doing so i've made myself so much happier. and by the way, he's finally happy again. i can see it when i see him. his new lady is very much into him and he's very much into her and they are adorable together. they look so much better together then him and i ever did. and let's not lie here, it's been a year since i started to fall in love again. not only with myself, but with the most wonderful amazing man. he's so much of why i'm able to be happy today. it's not him entirely, but by his existing in my life i'm able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what's looking back. i'm not beautiful or smart or funny but i'm me and that's ok with me. he gives me the strength to do that. he listens when i know he doesn't care but he pretends anyway. and sometimes i think he even convinces himself that he cares when really i know deep down, there's no way he could care. and he smiles at me when i need just that, a simple smile. he knows when to hug and when to kiss and when to leave me along. he holds me tight when i feel lost and he helps me find my way. he encourages and compliments and he's here. he's just here for me. mr wonderful... thank you.

i wanted to write all that but since blogger hates me i don't feel like writing it anymore.

I just wanted to look at this picture and see if it helps make me feel better.... This past weekend we threw my little sister (green shirt) a bridal shower. Here is a pic of me, Alex (my neice), my little sister Jamie, and my oldest sister Jenn. The shower was fun and she got lots of nice things. I suck at life though...

here comes the pitty me portion of the program... continue at your own risk. I don't have any money so i said i'd cook some quiche to help with my part. (I also came up with the game we played which i enjoyed and everyone else hated - name that tune... songs with the word love in the title... i thought it was fun.) anyway... so we decided we'd cook the quiche at the fire station where the shower was being held so that it was fresh. well the oven was broke so my quiche didn't even get served. i pretty much didn't do anything for my little sister's bridal shower. and i'm the maid of honor. i'm a crappy maid of honor. i wish she would never have asked me. i screw up everything i touch.

and the real reason for my pitty party. i'm trying to go back to school. it's been nothing but headache after headache. i just want to die right now. i am seriously feeling so crappy my heart feels like it's going to come out my throat. i'm trying to schedule things and nothing is working out. i have to take my cna class this summer and get registered. But once I get registered I have to work in a position that requires it or get into the nursing program within 6 months. i'm not so sure that's going to work because even though I only have 5 classes to take before I'm into the nursing program, four of those classes can't be taken at the same time. Spread that out, it's almost two years before I can even get into the program! I'm so frustrated and I just want to scream but I'm trying to stay calm. It's really not working all that well but I'm trying, I'm really, really trying!

oh and P.S. Final Four this weekend!!! ENJOY WATCHING UNC WIN!

This past weekend I went home and had a blast. I saw my old friend, Shelly. I missed her lots and it was great to see her and her little guy. Carson was ADORABLE and he had the cutest little Puma shoes and I just loved his rosy cheeks. He was such a happy little duder. We took him to Target and I was that "cool aunt" that lets you get away with anything. We just ran the store and played with everything. He was getting REALLY sleeping by the time we left and I heard rumor he was out like a light!

Then I went with my little sister and her fiance to dinner and the bowling alley in our hometown. It was great to spend time with them. In fact, it was the first time that we had ever hung out, just the four of us. So I'm glad they were up for it.

Here is my sister and her fiance around bar time... it was a long but SUPER FUN night.

And here is Scott and I... I LOVE THIS GUY! I hate though that whenever I have my hair pulled back that it always looks sweaty and greasy in pictures. I wasn't either of those things.

Then we had "after bar" at my parents. It was hilarious. We were exactly quiet. My friend, Amanda, joined us and we played Mario Kart on Wii for awhile and had a couple more drinks. It was so much fun.

Here is Scott wishing he could just go to bed.

Then Sunday we had a bridal shower for Jamie with her fiance's family. It was a cute shower. We are throwing her one for our family in two or three weeks. I should probably get stuff ready and done for that but you know... it's a lot of pressure to make things just right for my little sister. I've messed up enough of her life already and I just want this one thing to be perfect for her.

Here is Jamie opening gifts...

I was able to spend some time this week with my cousin and her two kids, ages 13 and 10. It was so great to see them. I love those guys. We played Mario Kart and Guitar Hero Band all night. They were on spring break so we did the cool thing and stayed up late.... then all took naps the next day.

Next week my niece and nephews MAY be coming to stay with us. We want to take them to the indoor water park, a movie, bowling, the children's museum. I want to cook with them and make crafts and play wii. I hope they can come.

Other then that... just getting REALLY excited for school. I can't wait to just be done and start working as a nurse. I dream about it, literally. I just want to make a difference and I want to help people and feel needed again. Mr Wonderful is the most supportive and optimistic person I know. He's already making plans for dinners he can cook while I'm in school to help take pressure off me. He's already planning how we'll celebrate once I'm graduated. He's amazing. I know I've said it before but I don't think I'll ever say it enough.

good morning.

i'm going to "go to work" in a few mins but i wanted to vent for a second. not a bad vent, a good vent, for some reason.

it's been a little over a year since i had the conversation with my ex-husband. it was the end of february that i started not sleeping with him on a regular basis. at the time i would "fall asleep" on the couch a little more often then previously just because i wasn't sure what else to do. we had, on MANY occasions screamed at each other that we didn't want to be together. we had done lots of yelling and on MANY MANY occasions "what the hell are we doing together" came up. but it was the first week in march that i remember the most vividly. i was sitting in the recliner and he was sitting on the couch. i wouldn't look at him but i told him i wasn't happy and that i thought we needed some space. i remember he was very calm and asked what i meant and we had our first "adult" conversation about separating. granted he fought it for many months after that but it was about a year ago that i finally made him see how i saw our relationship.

it feels good today to think that i made it. it was a hard road for a long time. there were days that i wasn't sure if i would ever be able to look at chris and not die for what i put him through. i don't have a ton of regrets when it comes to my marriage/divorce. i wish i hadn't said yes in the first place, or maybe so soon. i wish i would have let him out before we got married when he asked for it. but i don't regret the time i spent with him.

chris is a strong person. he doesn't think he is because he has such a big heart. sometimes he lets it bog him down. sometimes it's so big and it feels like it's going to burst and instead of just setting it down for awhile, he carries it with him. but he's going to be ok. i know he is. i hope someday we can be friends. not like, tolerate each other. talk because he's now a part of my family. but real friends.

on the flip side... i'm not sure if i've ever felt love so deep and so pure as i do with scott. it's so completely different then anything else i've ever felt. it's not, "i love your company. i love the things you love." it's i really love everything about him. sometimes it bugs me because i will just be sitting on the couch reading my book and it's like a sudden urge that i want to run over to him and hug him and never stop. things i hate to do, don't seem so bad when i do them for him. we had our first "fight" last week. we decided to label it a fight because we don't ever fight. i wanted to grill out burgers and he didn't want to get the grill out so i didn't talk for like 10 mins. i thought he was going to laugh out loud at me when he saw me pouting. it was petty and it was stupid but it was funny too. i know things won't always be perfect and i know we haven't even been dating a year so things are bound to crash from time to time but right now, i'm just really happy.

since i'm remembering back it was a year ago last thursday that scott and i had our first real conversation. i called him during a badger game to raz him up a little. it turned into a few digs through text messages and about a month or so later we started talking as friends. our relationship was so taboo considering i was going through a divorce we tried to keep it on the DL. however, it wasn't long before i realized i liked this guy and he liked me. i think it was the end of april or the beginning of may that we started spending time together and it was then that i realized it was ok to let myself go. he listened about chris a lot. he was always devils advocate. maybe i was the one that was wrong. maybe chris was right, i was being impossible. maybe i was running away when i needed to stay. scott had a lot on the line and he wasn't about to let me run from my marriage. he forced me to talk to chris. to go see him. he encouraged me to try to "date" chris again.

my life turned out this way for a reason. i'm ok with whatever that reason was. sure, i wish i didn't disappoint and hurt other people. i wish that i could make everyone happy all the time. but i can't. all i can do is try to make myself happy. and if i fail, i at least know i tried my hardest.

This is our Badger themed office after the move. (well we added the futon so that's all that's new but either way... Badger theme - and his mom is making a slip cover for the futon that's all Badgers and pillow cases)

In the office I get two pieces of my favorite team. This mouse pad...

And my favorite basketball that sits squished in the corner. (I got this basketball at Chapel Hill when I went to the UNC vs Duke game in 2003)

happy st patricks day.

it is 8:30 in the morning on March 17th in wisconsin and it's already 66 degrees outside. amazing. i took the garbage to the curb in shorts this morning. ok so maybe it's not shorts weather but it was so liberating being able to do it!

today i have to go "to work" - aka give plasma, do a load of laundry, mop the kitchen floor, and then i'm taking my book to lake michigan and i'm going to sit outside all afternoon! well because i have the attention span of a two year old i'll probably be there for an hour or two. one bad part of all this nice weather is that it's still march, it most likely won't last.

i know it's been forever since i've written but life isn't real exciting right now. i spend my days trying to get ready for school. i spent 2 hours on the phone one day trying to track down my immunization records from my old doctor. talk about a pain in the behinder. i wanted to cry about 15 mins in but i just kept calling the next number they gave me. i never did find my mmr or whatever those are called. i need that to get into the cna program which i need to get into the rn program. basically i'm just praying that the card my mom kept track of everything on will work.

i've been spending a lot of time trying to find money too. filling out scholarships, financial aid forms, and meeting with the county/state reps to try to over ride my fafsa. because i had a job until november last year and the fafsa goes off a tax year, they say i have enough money to pay for school. but i don't have a job now. i don't have money now. if they want to pay me what i was making last year, then yea, i'll pay for my own school. it's not like i won't pay it back, i'm just asking for a loan!

this weekend is going to be a nice break from the chaos that has consumed me. thursday thru sunday the only thing allowed on any tv in this house will be basketball. scott's friends are coming up (one all the way from memphis) to watch the ncaa tournament. i can't wait. this is like christmas for us. it's in fact, the way we became friends. it was this time last year that we started talking on a regular basis. it was over our love for basketball that we became friends. it wasn't for a month or two later that we realized there was so much more we enjoyed about each other.

my pick? well i had to pick north carolina to take it to the championship but i think head to head they will struggle there. it also depends on if lawson is back full strength. i hope he doesn't play the first game, one more game to rest might help him out. i don't think unc is unbeatable and i know there are haters out there that will throw out over-rated... don't think i don't hear that all the time. but they are my team. they are talented and they have depth and a number of players that can take over at a moments notice. i think they have all the tools to get it done, it's a matter of if it will all come together. they are my team and i'm sticking with them.

so yea, last weekend we spent all weekend rearranging the house. we moved beds, tvs, the futon, the living room furniture, we vacuumed and we dusted and we cleaned windows and we cleaned floors and after 7.5 hours of fixing the house up to accomidate the most possible guests, we went to taco bell and endulged in greasy, mexican fast food. and it was tasty!

i'm feeling rather sick right now.

not puking-fever sick.

i've decided to stop sulking and to just go back to school. it's something i've always said i was going to do but i've never really been excited about it. mostly because i hate being an accountant. i'm not good at it. i don't care about it enough to ever be good at it.

i can read a book and tell you intimate details. i can hear some one's story and be compelled to help in the most complete way. but i can't remember details of tax law or GAAP. i just don't care about it and that makes it hard to learn it and even harder to be good at it.

so once again mr wonderful pulls through and says why don't you see about starting over. is there anything you have always wanted to do but were too scared to try?

so i'm going to go back to school for my bsn. i can't wait. i can't tell you how excited i am and how good it would be to go to work and feel like i'm making a difference. i know it might be nights or weekends or blood and guts (i was an emt, i can handle the blood and guts, don't you worry) but it really feels like this is what i want to do.

honestly the reason i haven't done it sooner was because i hate science. not completely, but it scares me a lot. it's so much memorizing. i forget my shoes sometimes. i've been known to walk out the door in my slippers. so memorizing is not exciting but it's part of the learning and i'm excited to try. to try my hardest.

so why am i sick?

i have no job. (duh, like you didn't know that) and with no job means no money. i get unemployment and that is used to pay my cell phone (which i'm tempted to cancel), my car payment (which is a loan i had to take out to pay for my divorce and my car was my collateral), my health insurance (which is $200/month since it's on my own) and all the food for our house (that's the only money i pay towards living here, i agreed to pay for the food.) when we go out to eat, scott pays, i never eat out on my own unless we have a gift card. i don't buy myself new things. my mom gave me a gift card for my birthday that i had to use for new shoes because mine were falling apart and made my ankle bleed every time i wore them. i just try to make it work and i try to not have to ask for help.

but i had to ask. my car insurance was due and i didn't have $500 to pay it. i was going to pay it just month to month but i wasn't sure how i would pay it once my unemployment ran out. so mr wonderful helped me. and now applying to school and getting things ready for that i've paid over $100 just to get enrolled. soon i'll have to pay tuition. it's so expensive.

i am sick because i had to ask for help.

i want to be independent. i want to do it on my own. i'm going to get a job to help pay bills until i start school and then i'll work part time. i'm going to do whatever i can to make this work and i don't want to rely on him completely but even having to ask for help makes me sick.